Change

Life seems good. For the first time in at least 2 years life , for the most part, minus our everyday battles, seems good. I have started a new relationship with someone. People may think 2 months is too soon after but in my mind when your ready, your ready. why do people feel like eveything must be defined in units of time... you must know someone x amount of months before having sex, you must know someone x amount of months or years before getting engaged.

I have more so recently than ever been happy. I have been going out with friends, going to more social gatherings, and smiling more. I am notorious among my friends for not smiling a lot, so over the past 2 months some friends have commented on how happy i seem, and how I'm all smiley and giggly now. But they know and I know why, it's because of someone in my life. He's the one who puts that smile on my face almost every time we're around each other. He has simiar traits that I have, like a smart mouth , among others, that i think helps us relate better. We have always been able to talk freely, and we can talk about anything from ex's and children's parents to why some guy on tv looks like a fool because we have always had that kind of communication. we built a friendship, and an opportunity for us to take it further came along and we did, and I'm glad for that. I did like this person before, but my standards and then relationship stopped me from ever approaching him or even touching the subject.

A few weeks back I talked to one of my close friends about it, about how to try and start a real relationship and not be "just dating" and my friend told me " Let your guard down". After having men in my past use my trust and love for them against me, i had built up a sort of defense which was to not let people, especially men, in my heart, to suppress how i felt and keep it inside, to basically shut them out. but after the talk from my friend, I realized that gradually i have to let that go and let him in my heart, a little more each day. I took my friend's advice.

I have dealt with so much change over the past several years that i seem to adapt to a situation easily most times. But my question is, how to I get use to how I feel, how do i get use to something new and foreign to me yet it's something so good but I'm scared of it a bit. His respect and feelings for me have my mind in a hectic state. I don't know what to expect, but in some ways i like the suspense . I guess change isn't always bad, sometimes it's for the better. By me allowing change I got back something I haven't had in several years... my happiness.

Why is it

why is it that one man can make me so happy in just a few weeks and one so unhappy in the same amount of time.
why did i allow one man to keep me that unhappy for so long.
how is it that I could barely bring myself to kiss one man, yet the other I find myself wanting to kiss at times and actually getting chills and tingles through my body with a slight touch? Is it the lust that all relationships have in the beginning, or is there something more? Could it be that this man, I actually had a friendship with before things progressed, and the other we went straight into a relationship...wait, no....
We aren't in a relationship per se... , we both spend a lot of time on the phone and together. we both text each other just to say nice things. this man will sit on the phone with me and we get all high school like and will just be content on the phone for long periods of time. he calls me his "baby" and calls me every night to make sure i get home ok, and i do the same for him. We both have kind of agreed not to move to fast.
But we have not officially deemed ourselves a "couple". We have made plans to do things together that don't involve sex. this man has actually asked to do things besides have sex with me. I guess it all seems so whimsical to me for the simple fact I haven't really ever had a guy that has shown me that much respect.
But at the same time I'm scared. I know his previous reputation, but he has never treated me with anything but respect, but at times i still get nervous he'll be less than honoroable at some point. Maybe I should worry, or maybe I should just take this happiness one day at a time, be easy and let things fall where they may. I just dont know.

losing my inner peace

there's a saying that goes " god doesn't give you more than you can take". Well maybe I don't have the wording right, but most people know what I'm talking about.

My last post was my first in awhile. To make a long story short, my "husband" { we weren't legally married we just considered ourselves married} had a woman in my house on mother's day. I didn't catch them having sex or anything, and the story he gave was a lie{ he has been doing a lot of that over the past year or longer, I stopped counting the lies a long time ago.}

This woman was in my house while I was at work, which is 5 minutes from home, and a friend told me someone was here and accompanied me home while i left work for a few minutes to check this out.

This was the straw that broke the camels back. Over the past year or so I have put up with him using coke behind my back, lieing to do so when he thought i didn't know, lieing about things in general to myself and our friends, as well as his irrational anger during small arguments. Not to say I'm perfect, I can be a bitch, and I will openly admit this, but enough is enough.

One of the most recent problems regarded my brother. He never really gave much support during the whole trial process, and during the actual trial he didn't even come saying he didn't feel good but managed to make it to the after-celebration. I think this was because of the coke and too much drinking.

Now we are still in the same house and I can't stand it much longer. I want hime to leave since he caused the break up. This was my brother's house first, and his main reason he shouldn't stay is because he is on the lease. It's pissing me off that I may have to move to save my sanity, but then I have to lose my brother's house, which seems unfair and to me, just a bit selfish on his part.

I even started to "date" someone else, which unfortunately is someone we both know, but someone who I have known longer and better than him. I really like this person, but it's hard because of this situation.

I know a lot of people have said and may be thinking how could I move on so fast? Well, if you've been distant from someone for awhile and you have basically been mentally preparing for this for awhile like I have, then it doesn't take much. I knew in my heart this would happen sooner or later, and for some reason, I tend to bounce back from most situations much faster than other people.

I just had to get some of this out. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of anger and pain for about the 3rd time in my life, and I swear each one has not been precipitated by my actions. I've caused some shit in my teenage and early 20's but nothing to cause anyone this much drama and stress. Maybe the answer will come soon and easy, but that never seems to happen, so keep your fingers crossed that I come out of this with my brain intact and maybe my brother's house.

Rebirth.... of sorts

I haven't posted lately, in over a month actually. Let me just say life is hard and mine got hard there for awhile. I had a lot happen, even more since mother's day... let's just say my mother's day was one of the worst since the night my brother was killed. But for some reason, in just this past week, I've realized that I need to reclaim my happiness. And I am doing that, slowly but surely. I have had a few things revealed to me amidst all my trials and tribulations, and it made me realize I have to do what I want sometimes, I have to make Liz happy 1st before I can make anyone else happy.

I won't go into too much detail right now, but my next post or so will, and then you will understand exactly what has been going on. But I am still in the process of the next few days or so making some much needed changes and once they are done I will spill my guts here, where I have come for the past 2 years when things got hard.

A little rest, not much relaxation-

So i haven't [osted in awhile. partially because it took me 2 weeks to get a new computer after my old one went up, partially because I have just been dealing with other things in my life. I have talked about friends on here many times, but recently found out that someone I once considered a good friend was actually just a snake waiting in the grass. Also, my hubby had his car accident, my uncle passed and I was back and forth to Philly, and also someone quit at my job and I have been working more since there is no one else to do it.

But today i thought I'd write because throughout all the drama and trials of the past few weeks, it made me think of what my brother would tell me, which is... that's life, just deal with it. And that is to the point. i have been dealing with it. I'll be writing more soon, but I wanted to say in closing I'm glad Mr Taylor's peoples are still checking for me.

How do you forgive the unforgivable?

I have been fighting and debating with myself for a while now about writing this down, but it has been on my mind for a long time. I keep thinking about a comment someone made on the blog last year, basically saying at some point I should forgive Ameer Taylor. I can't remember the exact wording, but they basically said it will eat at me, and honestly it kinda is. My friends and family will and would think I'm crazy , insane, a lunatic to ever try to forgive Taylor. But when I think about it, what could I lose?

I haven't forgiven him yet. I think in order for that ever to happen, a few things need to happen before I can consider that. One would be to hear , in his own words, why he did this. It will probably upset me, but I really want to know. He never said anything at sentencing, he let his lawyer speak, stating he maintains his innocence and it's a tragedy. I know as well as he does he did it. He even had friends call the 'Vous the night it happened saying things about the fight that only the people there that day would know. We knew not too long after it was the guy Sam fought, but we had to let the detectives do their job, and let the courts do theirs { they did it right this time, for once}. But I honestly, sincerely, with all my heart want to hear or read what Ameer has to say. I want to know how he feels now. I still feel that he should be punished, but I know that somewhere in my heart that would give me some extra closure, to make some sort of peace with this man.

This will probably, never in a thousand years happen.

Also, I'd like to know why his family held, and probably still holds, such anger towards my family. I wish they could look at this detached from it, and try to understand the facts that we ALL were presented with. They heard the same things we heard in court. They shouldn't be angry with us, and in turn my family shouldn't be angry with them. My anger with them started with the stares and whispers, and the comment on the blog from Aqueelah { comment on the 12/25/05 post}.

I believe that if the tables were turned, yes I would show up to court and support my brother, but I wouldn't harbor ill feelings towards the victim's family.

This is real upsetting for me. None of my friends have this viewpoint, nor do I believe anyone in my family does, that's why I've held this in. I don't want them to feel like I don't care, it's not that. It's the fact that I can't fully in my mind ever make total closure without an explanation from Ameer. I wish I could go sit and listen to him talk, honestly, stop denying his guilt, be a man, and tell me why he took a vital part of my family, and my close friend. I would like to know if he has any remorse, any sadness about what he has done.

I don't know where to place these feelings really, they just keep eating at me from time to time. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes I get angry. I wish there was something I could do that could give me that extra something I need to feel like I have "closure". I don't think there can ever be total closure, but I think I need something more than just this verdict, I need answers. No, I want answers. I just wish there was a way to get them. But even if I had those answers, I still wonder, could I forgive Ameer for the unforgivable? I might not ever know.

What's Good in Staten Island?

This probably won't make sense to anyone except the intended recipient. But, I don't have family in Staten Island, NY, but someone there seems to know me well. No, wait, take that back, someone there has a fetish for googling Ameer taylor and coming to my site and reading, looking at pics of my brother. So to my Staten island visitor... I just wanted to say hi, you visit my thoughts a lot so I thought I'd give you a shout out, some love. Well maybe you just like reading about Ameer Taylor killing my brother, i'm not sure which one. maybe you think he's innocent? I dunno but keep reading I'll be posting but probably not daily. Oh, and if you subscribe to blog feed you won't have to google Ameer Taylor regularly, even bookmark this page so you don't have to keep googling, might save you some time. Maybe Ameer can give you some time, he does have life plus 20 years.