From my point of view: Baltimore

Change

2007-07-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

Life seems good. For the first time in at least 2 years life , for the most part, minus our everyday battles, seems good. I have started a new relationship with someone. People may think 2 months is too soon after but in my mind when your ready, your ready. why do people feel like eveything must be defined in units of time... you must know someone x amount of months before having sex, you must know someone x amount of months or years before getting engaged.

I have more so recently than ever been happy. I have been going out with friends, going to more social gatherings, and smiling more. I am notorious among my friends for not smiling a lot, so over the past 2 months some friends have commented on how happy i seem, and how I'm all smiley and giggly now. But they know and I know why, it's because of someone in my life. He's the one who puts that smile on my face almost every time we're around each other. He has simiar traits that I have, like a smart mouth , among others, that i think helps us relate better. We have always been able to talk freely, and we can talk about anything from ex's and children's parents to why some guy on tv looks like a fool because we have always had that kind of communication. we built a friendship, and an opportunity for us to take it further came along and we did, and I'm glad for that. I did like this person before, but my standards and then relationship stopped me from ever approaching him or even touching the subject.

A few weeks back I talked to one of my close friends about it, about how to try and start a real relationship and not be "just dating" and my friend told me " Let your guard down". After having men in my past use my trust and love for them against me, i had built up a sort of defense which was to not let people, especially men, in my heart, to suppress how i felt and keep it inside, to basically shut them out. but after the talk from my friend, I realized that gradually i have to let that go and let him in my heart, a little more each day. I took my friend's advice.

I have dealt with so much change over the past several years that i seem to adapt to a situation easily most times. But my question is, how to I get use to how I feel, how do i get use to something new and foreign to me yet it's something so good but I'm scared of it a bit. His respect and feelings for me have my mind in a hectic state. I don't know what to expect, but in some ways i like the suspense . I guess change isn't always bad, sometimes it's for the better. By me allowing change I got back something I haven't had in several years... my happiness.

Why is it

2007-06-16T02:36:00.000-07:00

why is it that one man can make me so happy in just a few weeks and one so unhappy in the same amount of time.
why did i allow one man to keep me that unhappy for so long.
how is it that I could barely bring myself to kiss one man, yet the other I find myself wanting to kiss at times and actually getting chills and tingles through my body with a slight touch? Is it the lust that all relationships have in the beginning, or is there something more? Could it be that this man, I actually had a friendship with before things progressed, and the other we went straight into a relationship...wait, no....
We aren't in a relationship per se... , we both spend a lot of time on the phone and together. we both text each other just to say nice things. this man will sit on the phone with me and we get all high school like and will just be content on the phone for long periods of time. he calls me his "baby" and calls me every night to make sure i get home ok, and i do the same for him. We both have kind of agreed not to move to fast.
But we have not officially deemed ourselves a "couple". We have made plans to do things together that don't involve sex. this man has actually asked to do things besides have sex with me. I guess it all seems so whimsical to me for the simple fact I haven't really ever had a guy that has shown me that much respect.
But at the same time I'm scared. I know his previous reputation, but he has never treated me with anything but respect, but at times i still get nervous he'll be less than honoroable at some point. Maybe I should worry, or maybe I should just take this happiness one day at a time, be easy and let things fall where they may. I just dont know.

losing my inner peace

2007-05-30T00:50:00.000-07:00

there's a saying that goes " god doesn't give you more than you can take". Well maybe I don't have the wording right, but most people know what I'm talking about.

My last post was my first in awhile. To make a long story short, my "husband" { we weren't legally married we just considered ourselves married} had a woman in my house on mother's day. I didn't catch them having sex or anything, and the story he gave was a lie{ he has been doing a lot of that over the past year or longer, I stopped counting the lies a long time ago.}

This woman was in my house while I was at work, which is 5 minutes from home, and a friend told me someone was here and accompanied me home while i left work for a few minutes to check this out.

This was the straw that broke the camels back. Over the past year or so I have put up with him using coke behind my back, lieing to do so when he thought i didn't know, lieing about things in general to myself and our friends, as well as his irrational anger during small arguments. Not to say I'm perfect, I can be a bitch, and I will openly admit this, but enough is enough.

One of the most recent problems regarded my brother. He never really gave much support during the whole trial process, and during the actual trial he didn't even come saying he didn't feel good but managed to make it to the after-celebration. I think this was because of the coke and too much drinking.

Now we are still in the same house and I can't stand it much longer. I want hime to leave since he caused the break up. This was my brother's house first, and his main reason he shouldn't stay is because he is on the lease. It's pissing me off that I may have to move to save my sanity, but then I have to lose my brother's house, which seems unfair and to me, just a bit selfish on his part.

I even started to "date" someone else, which unfortunately is someone we both know, but someone who I have known longer and better than him. I really like this person, but it's hard because of this situation.

I know a lot of people have said and may be thinking how could I move on so fast? Well, if you've been distant from someone for awhile and you have basically been mentally preparing for this for awhile like I have, then it doesn't take much. I knew in my heart this would happen sooner or later, and for some reason, I tend to bounce back from most situations much faster than other people.

I just had to get some of this out. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of anger and pain for about the 3rd time in my life, and I swear each one has not been precipitated by my actions. I've caused some shit in my teenage and early 20's but nothing to cause anyone this much drama and stress. Maybe the answer will come soon and easy, but that never seems to happen, so keep your fingers crossed that I come out of this with my brain intact and maybe my brother's house.

Rebirth.... of sorts

2007-05-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted lately, in over a month actually. Let me just say life is hard and mine got hard there for awhile. I had a lot happen, even more since mother's day... let's just say my mother's day was one of the worst since the night my brother was killed. But for some reason, in just this past week, I've realized that I need to reclaim my happiness. And I am doing that, slowly but surely. I have had a few things revealed to me amidst all my trials and tribulations, and it made me realize I have to do what I want sometimes, I have to make Liz happy 1st before I can make anyone else happy.

I won't go into too much detail right now, but my next post or so will, and then you will understand exactly what has been going on. But I am still in the process of the next few days or so making some much needed changes and once they are done I will spill my guts here, where I have come for the past 2 years when things got hard.

A little rest, not much relaxation-

2007-04-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

So i haven't [osted in awhile. partially because it took me 2 weeks to get a new computer after my old one went up, partially because I have just been dealing with other things in my life. I have talked about friends on here many times, but recently found out that someone I once considered a good friend was actually just a snake waiting in the grass. Also, my hubby had his car accident, my uncle passed and I was back and forth to Philly, and also someone quit at my job and I have been working more since there is no one else to do it.

But today i thought I'd write because throughout all the drama and trials of the past few weeks, it made me think of what my brother would tell me, which is... that's life, just deal with it. And that is to the point. i have been dealing with it. I'll be writing more soon, but I wanted to say in closing I'm glad Mr Taylor's peoples are still checking for me.

How do you forgive the unforgivable?

2007-03-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have been fighting and debating with myself for a while now about writing this down, but it has been on my mind for a long time. I keep thinking about a comment someone made on the blog last year, basically saying at some point I should forgive Ameer Taylor. I can't remember the exact wording, but they basically said it will eat at me, and honestly it kinda is. My friends and family will and would think I'm crazy , insane, a lunatic to ever try to forgive Taylor. But when I think about it, what could I lose?

I haven't forgiven him yet. I think in order for that ever to happen, a few things need to happen before I can consider that. One would be to hear , in his own words, why he did this. It will probably upset me, but I really want to know. He never said anything at sentencing, he let his lawyer speak, stating he maintains his innocence and it's a tragedy. I know as well as he does he did it. He even had friends call the 'Vous the night it happened saying things about the fight that only the people there that day would know. We knew not too long after it was the guy Sam fought, but we had to let the detectives do their job, and let the courts do theirs { they did it right this time, for once}. But I honestly, sincerely, with all my heart want to hear or read what Ameer has to say. I want to know how he feels now. I still feel that he should be punished, but I know that somewhere in my heart that would give me some extra closure, to make some sort of peace with this man.

This will probably, never in a thousand years happen.

Also, I'd like to know why his family held, and probably still holds, such anger towards my family. I wish they could look at this detached from it, and try to understand the facts that we ALL were presented with. They heard the same things we heard in court. They shouldn't be angry with us, and in turn my family shouldn't be angry with them. My anger with them started with the stares and whispers, and the comment on the blog from Aqueelah { comment on the 12/25/05 post}.

I believe that if the tables were turned, yes I would show up to court and support my brother, but I wouldn't harbor ill feelings towards the victim's family.

This is real upsetting for me. None of my friends have this viewpoint, nor do I believe anyone in my family does, that's why I've held this in. I don't want them to feel like I don't care, it's not that. It's the fact that I can't fully in my mind ever make total closure without an explanation from Ameer. I wish I could go sit and listen to him talk, honestly, stop denying his guilt, be a man, and tell me why he took a vital part of my family, and my close friend. I would like to know if he has any remorse, any sadness about what he has done.

I don't know where to place these feelings really, they just keep eating at me from time to time. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes I get angry. I wish there was something I could do that could give me that extra something I need to feel like I have "closure". I don't think there can ever be total closure, but I think I need something more than just this verdict, I need answers. No, I want answers. I just wish there was a way to get them. But even if I had those answers, I still wonder, could I forgive Ameer for the unforgivable? I might not ever know.

What's Good in Staten Island?

2007-03-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

This probably won't make sense to anyone except the intended recipient. But, I don't have family in Staten Island, NY, but someone there seems to know me well. No, wait, take that back, someone there has a fetish for googling Ameer taylor and coming to my site and reading, looking at pics of my brother. So to my Staten island visitor... I just wanted to say hi, you visit my thoughts a lot so I thought I'd give you a shout out, some love. Well maybe you just like reading about Ameer Taylor killing my brother, i'm not sure which one. maybe you think he's innocent? I dunno but keep reading I'll be posting but probably not daily. Oh, and if you subscribe to blog feed you won't have to google Ameer Taylor regularly, even bookmark this page so you don't have to keep googling, might save you some time. Maybe Ameer can give you some time, he does have life plus 20 years.

Encouragement

2007-03-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days. I got home from work and decided to post this after cleaning out and reading some of my saved emails from the past year. I just really wanted to say thanks to all the people that I don't personally know who left words of encouragement for me on the blog. I cannot express how good it felt to read the nice things people had to say. And thanks to the negative comments as well... they made me remember that not everyone thinks the same and some people have nothing better in life to do than be mean and negative... makes me appreciate my life so much more.

Also to the people I do know personally, thank you guys as well. A thousand times over. I'm feeling a bit worn out after a trying day , but this group thanks has been long overdue. So thank you to the following commenters { if I left you out it's because I am a bit tired and I apologize}:

The Cybrarian
Chuck{ Tao techuck}
Neckbone
Brian
Simon Fitzgerald
Malnurtured Snay
Marc { when are you coming to the Vous again man?}
NYCpensiamentos
Kara
missesmoe1991 { I still think about you}}
Kira
Scottie B {unruly records}
Carl
and a bunch of anon posters who left their name in their comments
You guys are the best

To the mean or negative commenters.... now almost 2 years later I can look back and say you have actually made me appreciate the above people that much more, and also made me realize that some people just need attention.

Oh, and a sidenote... my blog is not ending! I will continue to write about Sam as my mood makes me want to, and I will also write about other things as well.

Cowards

2007-03-14T01:12:00.000-07:00

Some people may think this unnecessary or out of line... fuck them. I am writing this because I just wanted to say to the family and / or friends of Ameer taylor from union, New jersey, baltimore, and Virginia, it's bad enough Mr taylor's mom told a POLICE SARGEANT that "this isn't over yet" you still read my blog... why? You all think i'm wrong for writing it, or as Aquuelah put it in my Christmas 2005 comments " I show no grief to my blood" so why do you continue to read it. There is no need for our families to ever cross paths again in life, and if you have any hatred towards my family, fine but you should take all that anger and direct it towards Ameer, who put us all in this unfortunate and painful situation. he is the cause of everyone's pain. i didn't kill anybody, nor did my father or friends. You {Ameer's family} didn't either, so what justification do you have to hold any anger towards me or my family? What logical and sane reason could you have to hold anything against us? Why, because we came to court for MY BROTHER'S murder trial? because i cried when they found Ameer guilty? because I got up and gave my statement to the judge? How would you feel if the tables were turned and my brother shot your son in the side of his neck and the head because of a fight a year earlier? how would you feel listening to the medical examiner tell how the 2 shots were fatal, or having to hear testimony recounting how your family member died at the hands of my family member? how would you feel being stared at for doing what a normal person would do , and be in court?

I think you people just don't get it. maybe some you do, and maybe you don't, but sit back long and hard and try to imagine the tables were turned... would you not do what i have done? Think about the pain you feel with Ameer in jail and then think of the pain if you could never see him again. You can still see him, i can't see Sam. You are lucky in that respect. I pray that your gamily nor anyone else would have to go through the pain we went through and still go through., but as long as people like Ameer let their pride get in the way of rational thought, more people will go through this over and over again. For what? because he got put out of a bar and got beat up a little... great reason to take a life.

So please, when you cisit here, think about being in my shoes, think about not having Ameer here on this earth with you, having him gunned down in cold blood and then and only then, when you walk in my shoes, can you EVER JUDGE WHAT I WRITE OR HOW I FEEL ABOUT SAM!

Weird Things

2007-03-12T02:57:00.000-07:00

Some weird things have happened during the last week or so.

During the first day of the trial we did a lot of sitting. We sat and waited for jury selection most of that first morning. That morning, while sitting with my father, he shared something with me.

My younger brother had been in a car crash several months earlier. It was pretty bad,.. the car had flipped over and knocked down power lines. Well , when his mother arrived at the hospital and my brother awakened, he told her something. He told her that Sam was there. She asked him "What?" probably thinking it was his pain medication talking. He basically said that Sam was there and he turned the car over and helped him out of the car. I believe it, because according to my father, he could have been electrocuted by the power lines around the car. My brother is still here in the spirit form. he saved my little brother. This made me emotional when I first heard it, so much I had to step away for a moment and shed a few tears.

The other thing happened Saturday. Myself, Larry and our friend Spoon had ordered some Chinese food while I was working my shift at the bar. When I went to open my fortune cookie it said " You will lead the life that doesn't make others jealous, but proud of you" This took me aback because just before opening it we were having a conversation about doing something in Sam's name ... which I won't talk about until it's official and underway. I though about it and I want to fulfill that. I want my family and friends to be as proud of me when I pass as we are of Sam. I want everyone to have good memories and good things to say about me.

These aren't really weird things, just some positive things that stuck out for me over these past several days.

Justice is served continued....

2007-03-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

Ok... after sleeping most of today and getting my voice back I am ready to write. I have felt like crap all week. I was hoarse, coughing and had basically a kick ass cold all week. But I made it through. I sat in court every day and listened, watched and made some observations.

The first day of the trial, monday, I noticed this, which I have noticed since the arraignment back in march of 2006 - Ameer Taylor's family seemed to have a dislike for me. Maybe not just me, but my friends and family. They alway seemed to stare at me everytime I had to cross anywhere near their path, when I would enter and or exit the courtroom, when we all would be itting in the hallways waiting for court to start

I don't understand their hostility towards me or my family We were at court not because of something we did or something they did We were there becaue Ameer illed my brother for no good goddamn reason. It's not my fault he made that choice, it's his and his alone, they should be mad at him for all the money they spent on Warren brown and the hitty defene he provided. He did not provide one witnes to verify anything his client said. He tried to smear Stacey, who watched her boyfriend, my brother gunned down and he failed. He tried to discredit another witness and in the process was made to look like a dumb ass.

Through it all, I think the most damning testimony was that of Detective Cherry who testified to the statements Taylor made. He said he wasn't there then he was. He then said that he didn't really know the person who was driving his car and shot Sam... that makes no damn sense... who lets someone they DON'T know drive their car at 2:30am? at any time? Then the defendant said after the shooting this mysterious guy he didn't really know named Ronnie pulled over with another guy and got out. He then said he proceeded to drive to Pennsylvania because he didn't do anything. Then he said a few days later his baby's mother called and told him about it, but he still at that time didn't feel compelled to say anything because he wanted nothing to do with it.

Basically they played his taped statement in court and it made him look like a liar.

Even though the case was presented well, I still felt sick all week thinking there was still a possibility of him walking away from this. Wednesday I was nervous as hell. A few friends showed up to support me and my Dad, and I really did need them there. They made it easier by trying to make me laugh, whch helped more than they know. But the best thing for me is that through this whole ordeal my friends have stuck by and supported me. When I was a moody bitch they were still there. When I would cry there was always someone to comfort me this week.

It was hard to sit in court and listen to how the shots hit Sam and how it happened . Stacey's testimony was the hardest because it actually recounted what happened.

On the 2nd day of court I think they just went to far. One of them, Kirk{ yes kirk I know who you are courtesy of your girlfriend who I know and have seen you with} decided to try and sit with my family although he was not with us. He doesn't give a shit about us, Ameer is his friend. He tried to talk to one of my friends, who I hit with my purse and told him " you know that guy is with the defendant's family right?" The games people play.

But overall I can say it probably was a hard time for all involved, my family and Taylor's

And although this may sound weird, closing arguments were like a sideshow. Ms Brown , the prosecutor, presented her closing with dignity , intelligence and the truth of what was presented.

Warren Brown...... wow. He went through a couple of well animated spiels. He seems like he's on cocaine at times the way he flails his hands about at all times . He wasn't that hyper during sentencing though. Some snippets from his closing arguments which me and my friends laughed at a lot yesterday because of how ridiculous they were " Lies, lies, lies.... lies and fabrications" " c'mon they talked to him for an hour and 20 minutes.... 60 minutes on foreplay 20 minutes for sex? who does that?" " I'm not here to prove my client's innocence, it's the state's job to prove beyond a reasonable doubt"{why the hell would you not profess your client's innocence?} The police lied.... 3500 of em' with their helicopters and guns.... we the people deserve better than that" I could give you more but it was just ridiculous, especially hearing it in the context it was used during closing arguments.

Overall, I feel a big sense of relief. When they announced guilty for 1st degree, i felt tension leave my body. I cried, then hugged Stacey for a long time. I felt a rush of sadness and happiness simultaneously. I was happy for justice but still sad for the reason I was there.

I wondered how I would feel when the end of this trial came. It wasn't quite what I imagined but I felt good. It was like relief. I didn't feel so sick anymore, the fact I had a cold left my mind for awhile.

I cried and I talked to my brother last night, I told him we did this for him, and that I promised him I'd do everything possible to get jstice for him, and justice was served to the extent that it could be, because short of him still being here, there is nothing that can repay my family for our loss.

A will never have 100% closure, but this is closure of a sort. It is the closest I can get . I am happy that Ameer Taylor will never walk the streets of Baltimore again. i am glad that what he did to Sam will definetely haunt the rest of his life.

There is so much I can say but I will still be writing here, so I will write it as I feel in the next few days.

Just a big thank yu and sincere appreciation for everyone who supported me, a huge thanks to Ms Cybthia Banks of the State's attorney's office, another huge thanks to the jurors on this case and Judge Ross, and a huge huge big thanks to Detective Cherry for following this case through and providing excellent evidence for the state to work with, and for his excellent well spoken testimony. Thank you Detective Berger for working the case, and for sitting with Stacey in court Monday. And I'd also like to thank Warren Brown, for making it so easy to show his client's guilt to everyone. I'd also like to thank him for his ridiculous closing argument as well.

Well it's time for me to actually have a day that is happy, the first truly 100% happy day since June 2nd, 2005.

Justice is Served!

2007-03-08T00:10:00.000-08:00

Today Mr Ameer taylor was sentenced to life plus 20 years to be conserved consecutively for the murder of my brother, Samuel David Richardson. I have so much to write about regarding the court case, the trial etc, but I went to work tonight and celebrated all night with friends at work before work, and during work. I had to stand up and give a victim impact statement, and honestly I don't remember everything I said but the main point I remember making was that no matter what the punishment, nothing can bring back my brother to my family and nothing can ever be considered fair retribution.

It's almost 3:15am and I'm going to slep one of the most peaceful sleeps I have had since June 2nd, 2005.

to be continued.......

Anxious and Nervous Tears

2007-03-02T00:45:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I'm revved up ready to go full speed ahead, but honestly I have a knot in my stomach from my nervousness about the uncertainty of what is to come. I pray and pray and hope that this guy gets what he deserves, but the courts don't always work the way they should. Sometime the guilty go free and sometimes the innocent are jailed.

I was and still am elated that we finally got a courtroom. Since December 13th, 2005 I have been waiting for the moment this would start towards some form of closure. Since June 2nd, 2005 3:03am I have been waiting for justice for my brother. But I'm nervous as fuck. I don't know what to expect but I just hope that everything goes smoothly.

I , myself have come accustomed to the immaturity of Mr Taylor's family with their stares and whispers, their cowardly glances when I'm not looking then looking away as if i should run away. What I have said 100 if not 1000 times is that i don't care who you have staring at me or whispering about me, I will still be there and still hold my head up because I loved my brother and I will be there to see this through. Stares cannot back me down, I'm much stronger than that. Do you know what we do when they stare at us in court? We go to lunch and laugh... why the fuck would they be mad at me? i didn't arrest him, I didn't provide any of the evidence and witnesses, I didn't make him commit the crime. I don't know him so in no way is where he's at my fault. maybe if they got that through their heads and carried on like adults rather than vindictive children it would go that much smoother for both sides.

But nonetheless, I will try to maintain my composure. I have just been sitting here thinking of Sam and sharing the latest court news with friends and after getting off work I just sat here in my chair and cried a little. I miss my brother and the next several days are going to be hard to go through, to have to relive this again. But hopefully reliving it this time will bring about justice.

Best court update Yet!!!

2007-03-01T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'm keeping this one short. nevermind the dirty looks, later for all that, that's all they have let em have it... you know why? Cause we got a courtroom!!!! And the trial starts Monday!!!!!
Any friends/family that read this that don't talk to me daily, email me for courtroom and time if you'd like to come out and show support. If you can't make it.... just say a prayer that sam gets the justice he so greatly deserves and that my parents especially can put a small piece of closure on this, although it will never be over for them.

And thanks to everyone who has shown support through their words actions and prayers, you are very much appreciated. i gotta go finish notifying "the fam" so I'll keep the blog updated during the trial as much as possible with the case still ongoing.

Another sleepless night

2007-03-01T02:30:00.000-08:00

I've been in a foul ass mood since Wednesday night, and I'm sure it's because of this case. I never sleep the night before, i guess because I get nervous and I start wishing and anticipating that maybe we'll get this case started.

It's been about a year since the first time I saw Mr Taylor in court. And thinking about that and reading an opinion piece by Gregory Kane called "Defendant in killings should lose that smile". It made me think after reading that." Why isn't Mr Taylor livid that he's on trial for first degree murder?" I think if I was on trial for something i DIDN'T do, I would be outraged and there would not be one glimmer of a laugh or smile while I was in court. I would want justice! Evidence doesn't fall from the sky or out of a prosecutor's ass.

Today took a wrong turn early in the day with a check of my email, but luckily it was balanced out by support from friends and their prayers that all goes well and that we can hopefully secure a courtroom. I'm praying for a courtroom as well but I'm not too sure, I'll leave that in God's hands. I'll probably write an update tonight or tomorrow if anything worth writing about happens.

Frustrated

2007-02-26T01:11:00.000-08:00

Some times I wonder why people do and or say the things they say and do. The last few weels have felt like the world has it in for me. Maybe I'm being oversensitive, maybe not. Maybe because we go back to court March 1st. i haven't even wanted to write much lately, but tonight I just felt like it since I worked to 3am and can't sleep because I'm winding down at 4am.

I think there is something in me that I haven't been able to get off my chest yet. Sometimes it seems like the ones closest to me hurt and disappoint me the most, probably because when someone who isn't close to me does something messed up to me I just vrush it off and keep moving.

I think I just feel unsupported sometimes. It feels like the people who are supposed to support me don't, and the people I least expect do. I don't know. I think I'm at a brick wall in my personal life, and I don't have the tools to knock it down yet. Maybe it's just me ... like I said when it gets close to court time I start to get a bit moody. So I will bear this feeling for now, at least until after this trial date, and hope it goes away afterwards.

It's days like these my brother would talk with me and he would make me talk to him, get it all out and deal with it. And I don't really have someone like that anymore, no one that can make me talk and make me feel like they know best. I have changed so much since Sam passed in so many ways, some for the better and some for the worst. I have become more take charge. I step up when no one else will and take charge of situations no one else wants to. I make sure everyone gets to court. I make sure everyone stays aware of whats going on. I make sure the family and friends stay updated on the latest court stuff, and I'm always the one people tell their memories of Sam to. I'm tired. I love the memories, but I hate the fact that they are only that, and there will be no new memories to speak of. I have a love/hate feeling about sort of being the family spokesperson. I love it because it's for my brother and I know he would do it, but I hate it because I always have to keep it not too far from the front of my mind.

It's hard being Sam's sister. People always feel the need to tell me how cool Sam was or their memories of him or to tell me how sorry they are. There's nothing wrong with it, but there are a handful of people who do this and are insincere, they do it for I don't know maybe fucking brownie points or in hopes of a free drink. Most of his friends sincerely miss him, but there are always 1 or 2 who just want to feel like part of the "fam". The "fam" is just that, my family. They are my family that isn't related to me by blood, and they are the ones I know appreciated my brother and loved him for who he was, not because he was a popular guy.

I don't know why I feel so stuck right now, but I'm just rambling out all my thoughts right now. They may not be in order, but I needed to get some of it out before I lay down and try to rest. I just hope that maybe God is looking down and will give me the way to get past this hard time .

What i did today

2007-02-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today I went to a rehearsal for the Stoop Storytelling show that I will appear in thursday. I met the other storytellers and we all gave a test run of our stories for feedback. The thing about it was , I actually got a bit emotional after leaving there.

Although I write about my brother and have even had articles about my blog in the papers, I have never publically spoken about him in front of people I didn't know. it has always been from behind the keyboard. I will do this again thursday in front of a larger group than the 10 people i did it in front of today.

Oddly enough, it actually felt good to get up on stage and talk about Sam and the things I've gone through. I have never really done that before. I'm just kinding of thinking about it now... this time last year I wouldn't have been able to even attempt to talk about my brother in front of anyone. It is a bit easier to write it because even though people are reading it, I don't actually have to sit down and look them in the face.

Well, I just thought I would share that a little bit. I always wonder when I'm doing something new or achieving something, or even when I;m just having a good day in general if Sam can see it. i hope he does, and I hope he saw and heard what I said about him today, I think he would be proud, and maybe even a little flattered.

What is the matter with us?

2007-01-31T15:51:00.000-08:00

I am a regular reader of the Baltimore Crime blog , and the last few days has left me thinking again more than I have since Sam passed... what the fuck?!? Does no one who lives in baltimore have any sense of morals or respect for the fellow man. I know that one person can't stop the murders, but seriously COME ON!

We have to start doing something , anything. Start making those calls about loitering on the known drug corners, start writing those angry letters to our newly appointed "trash" mayor Ms. Dixon. Start training our kids.

When I go outside and see what the kids are doing and saying. I think back to when I was growing up. Yes, we were bad, yes we had problems. But we weren't nearly as bad off as kids are today. We did have some respect for people. We didn't rob and vandalize like the current generation of kids do. What the hell?!

I watch kids on my block throw rocks at car windows, and these kids are young. One day they busted someone's windshield. Of course, when the parent of one of the children was confronted, they felt as if why should they have to pay? HELLO! the first thing they should have did was spank that child... explain what was done and why it was wrong followed by a strict punishment. if kids can't respect their parents, is it a wonder they grow up and disrespect every other living soul they come into contact with?

There are so many underlying reasons for the vicious cycle of crime we call day to day life here in Baltimore, but it's not unfixable. People just need to give a fuck. Period.

Now , as I am getting ready for work, I wonder what more can I do myself. I don't quite know the answer, but my first step is to start emailing the mayor, my councilperson, any and everyone in authority. And of course they won't give a damn, but I'm gonna start there and make myself a nuisance until they either address me with a response that doesn't read like a form letter or until I come up with my next course of action. i just wonder if anyone else is doing the same.

We all complain about crime and the such all the time, but really, if we don't speak out and speak up, what difference does it make? If we just blow off every homicide as a drug related killing, we are fools. Some homicides are drug related. Some are not.What about those blue collar people who are killed without remorse and for things as trivial as their paycheck?

I'm ready to do something, I'm just wondering who is with me and where do we start?

Sometimes there's more at the bar than drinks and cigarettes

2007-01-25T01:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight started like any other night at the bar, except the fact it was slow as hell. A guy came in who I'd seen several times before and works for KOOL cigarettes passing out free smokes. So I offered him a drink and then we got to talking. he told me that he knows most of the previous bartenders, and then mentioned that he knew Sam. I said " oh yeah, that's my brother". he responded with " Your liz? I read your blog after the Sun article and even left a comment but you never got back to me. Well i went back and checked and found his comment. Funny where you run into people at huh?

Well it gets better. he told me that he does work with youth at the Y on Druid Hill ave, they gve yoga classes etc and that the group he works with, Holistic Life Foundation, is supposed to be doing a documentary on Baltimore's homicide's and asked if i would be interested. He also asked if I would mind coming out and talking to the kids about my experience. my answer was a "YES"... I love kids and anything to help them stay out of trouble or get away from, even make them think twice about hurting someone I'm all for.

So we exchanged emails and hopefully I'll get to go talk with the kids real soon. I'm not real big on public speaking but I am hoping this avenue will allow me to help the community more, which is what we need to do, and it where we need to start... with the kids.

I think Sam would like that.

My Sam shirt

2007-01-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

I went out thursday to Security Mall with Larry looking for a cd and just basically blowing time before work. I ordered some prints online and picked them up at Walgreen's. most of them were of Sam or friends. So as I got to the mall, I said to larry " i want a Sam shirt"... and for $30 I got a nice one. Yes, it's a R.I.P shirt, and I know some people despise them. I can see some of the logic behind it.

I didn't get mine because Sam was the neighborhood kingpin and I was making him a matyr, I didn't get it because anyone else did. I got mine simply because I have a deep love for my brotherand it was one small thing I could do to keep him alive for me.

I wore the shirt thursday night to work, and all the regular friends of mine were there, and they all liked it, and appreciated it, so that made me happy as well. One friend, Dan, had a big smile and gave me a big hug and said " you got my man on your shirt. That's what's up" I love Dan, as I love all my friends at the Vous, they're like a second family. It's good to love the people that love you back.

The return of the Tool jacket

2007-01-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

Since it hasn't been too cold up until the last day or so at night, I decided to start wearing my brother's tool jacket again to work. I wore it one night and got a response of " Fucking awesome, you got my man's coat on" from a friend at the bar. A few other friends nodded in agreement with the statement. It feels good to know that even though all of Sam's and my friends have their own day to day to deal with, they still remember Sam and that damn jacket.

My only thought now is, will I have as many comments and conjecture as i did last year wearing it?

There's about 3-4 more chilly months ahead so only time will tell. It doesn't matter to me either way, because I will still wear it, good or bad feedback. It honestly is one of the few remaining physical ties I have to my brother besides pics and other clothing and personal items, but the coat is the most personal. I think sometimes it feels as if when I wear it I can sorta feel him surrounding me, even if that sounds crazy.

Now... if I could just find his "Fuck Bush" shirt the ensemble would be complete!

2007 revelations

2007-01-09T02:49:00.000-08:00

It's a new year. People say you get wiser with age, and I have to agree with that statement.
I went back tonight and read some of my older posts and read how I was feeling at those times. I can see the anger and hurt in a lot of those entries. I still have that same hurt and anger inside, but I think that time and more wisdom has allowed me to deal with those feelings more properly.

In the first few entries, I had a lot of anger, towards the detectives, Stacey and everyone really. now I see that now , for example, my feelings about Stacey weren't all justified, but expected at that time. I guess it was a part of my grieving process. My anger at the detectives was my eagerness to have a quick and easy path for some closure, not their inabilities.

The one feeling of anger I still hold within and I will not apologize for or explain is my anger towards Mr Taylor. I honestly don't think he may inherently be a bad person, I wouldn't know, but he did something horrible. He let his ego make a choice for him, one that can't be apologized for, excused or even explained. I feel like a man of his age should have enough sense to know shooting someone will not fix a bruised ego, because whatever happened in his past is just that ...the past.I really wish i could talk to this man at times, get some insight into his thought process.

Also, I sat and talked with a few friends tonight about my brother. I came to another revelation , which is no matter what I tell people, what I say or how much I "keep it real" with them. people are always going to do what the want. The only way someone will change is if they want to first. People don't change because of what we do or say. What we do or say is sometimes that extra push they need to make that change.

Well, again I'm burning the midnight and pre-dawn oil so I'm going to try to get some shut eye again.

I've made no resolutions this year, I only hope that this year brings some sort of piece of closure, and that I don't lose anyone else close to me.

And yet some more stuff for me to deal with

2006-12-29T22:30:00.000-08:00

It seems like no matter what I do, something bad happens around me. I'm not a bad person, and neither are my friends, but it seems like at least once a year something horrible happens.

Let me just share this with everyone out there before I get to the latest bad news... since the age of 6, I have had 2 people close to me commit suicide, and I have had several friends stabbed, not to mention on top of my brother being murdered I have 3 people close to me who were murdered, as well as 3 or 4 friends who were shot but not fatally wounded.

Before anyone asks, no all my friends weren't fucking dealers or junkies. Some of my friends had their not so great pasts, but I know no one is perfect, not on this planet anyway.

So to my latest news. My friend Ty{nickname, I won't put his whole name here} is in jail at ECI, which is Eastern Correctional Institute on the eastern Shore. He has been locked up about close to a year, give or take a few months. Today he gave us a call, and everyone was excited seeing as how we haven't talked to him in awhile since we can't call him. Well everything was going well, we were passing the phone back and forth, talking and smiling glad to know he's o.k when he hits us with it.

Apparently 9 inmates jumped Ty and he was stabbed 37 times. 37 FUCKING TIMES AND LIVED! At first, it didn't quite hit me, but then it started to sink in that I almost lost someone else close to me. Ty is a friend of my hubby's and they grew up together. I have known Ty for a few years, but I can say in all honesty he has been a friend to me always. He is like another brother to me. I could call him for anything and know he'd have my back or if I needed something he'd do his best to make sure I got it.

Now we are all worried about his well being, because Ty is a to himself guy, but if someone pushes him enough he's ready to go. The other thing that bothers me is...why is he still in the same facility? How in the hell can they justify that? They can't, there is no justification.

Lastly, the charge he is there for is one he did not commit.I know damn near everyone in jail says I didn't do it, but Ty lives by the code of not snitching, so even though he knows, i know, all of us in the family know who should be sitting there, he went to court and never told on the guilty party. To some that may be dumb, but I know that's his code, he lives by the street code.

I respect that to an extent, but I believe even if he had "snitched", they would never have believed him because of his past. There's so much more to the story....

This really doesn't have much to do with Sam or his case. I'm just trying to sort my feelings out about this and do anything I can to help Ty. I am a little pissed because here is someone who is assaulted in jail and there's no justice. My brother was assaulted , no murdered on the street walking home and no justice. It seems like on either side of the law there is no justice for the poor and the unknown. It seems like in all actuality there is no justice for anyone anywhere. I'm just hoping I can change that or prove that statement wrong, but I'm starting to lose faith bit by bit.

**correction- through my being upset I didn't get all the facts straight - my friend was stabbed in baltimore City after a disagreement with a CO who later let 9 guys into his cell after lock down- he was at ECI but was moved due to the fact one of the people who stabbed him was moved there, he is now in another facility in Jessup**

Holiday Reflections

2006-12-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

I know I've slacked up somewhat on the blog in the past few months, but honestly mostly everything has been somewhat the same.

Especially around holiday time, which this year wasn't as hard as last year, but it was still hard all the same. I can say I enjoyed most of my Christmas this year, as oppose to last year when I kept thinking of the Christmas i spent with sam the year before and ended up really sad the whole time. I did think of Sam this Christmas though. I think of him everyday, but this year the memories of our last Christmas and holidays together brought me more joy than pain. It made me appreciate the people I still have.

Then on Christmas night I got to thinking about the What If's...what if the trial starts the next time we go, what if this guy goes free, what if he's sentenced , will it make everything better. will it give me closure?

A whole realm of What If's went through my head then 2 questions stuck with me up until today and I'll probably never have the answers. The first was What would Christmas be like if Sam was here?. The other question was " Why does Mr taylor get to enjoy his Christmas in any way, shape or form?

I thought about the first and realized I will never know. I though about the second and thought I would never know that either, but it seems as though what goes around doesn't come around for everyone. People always talk about karma and that Mr Taylor will be punished when he meets his maker, but fuck that. That's not a comfort to me. I use that thought that he will pay according to the laws system of retribution, but as I've said many times, nothing can repay for my brother's life. I use thoughts like karma and the thought that I am so much better than him and any of his family to come to court to stare at me as if I'M WRONG for being at the trial hoping Mr Taylor stays in jail for the rest of his natural life, but after all the pettiness od staring and whispering and the motions of the court system, I still feel like my brother isn't getting justice. How can over a year since this bastard is arrested we still haven't finished this crap? Mr Taylor should already be sentenced and facing justice.

A lot of things about this case have been burning me up, but after thinking about them more over the last few days. I'm pissed. I was pissed the day of the last court date, but thinking back at little things like how this sorry bastard had the nerve to stare at me when just in March he couldn't even hold his head up makes my blood boil. Takes a real man to stare at a 5'4" woman after he killed her brother. I'm more man than he will ever be because I stared right back at him so he could know he didn't destroy me, he may have altered and disturbed my life, but I'm still here and I'm still kicking. I let him know by staring back at him that not him nor his family can scare me away from showing my face and representing my brother, showing how much he meant to my family and that in my eyes he is less than a man.

Whew... I just needed to get that out. Well anyhow , since 2007 is days away I an naking some resolutions for my life. i don't really do resolutions, but I am this year.The main one that is important for everyone around this case to know is that I will remain strong and keep my head high until this is over, and I'll still keep my head high after. I'll do what needs to be done as far as court, statements etc....anyting within my power to make sure that he doesn't walk free from baltimore City Jail. I'm also going to put more work into my idea of starting an online network for grieveing siblings. I'm already trying to lay the groundwork but I will try my hardest to get it off the ground before 2008. Finally, although this may sound messed up, I resolve that no matter what sentence Mr taylor receives, I will never forgive or forget. I will pray every day that he is haunted by Sam.

Court Case update: Liz style

2006-12-01T22:40:00.000-08:00

This update may be a little sarcastic and may have some foul language, but it's better than me going to jail for taking out my frustration on Mr Taylor.

Thursday we went back to Court. This is the fourth time I've been down there. The first was the arraignment, plus 2 previous postponements in June and September.
So after working the 11-2 shift at The Vous, I stayed up and left my house around 8am, stopped to get something to drink then jumped in a cab. That automatically made me think of Sam more because he was well known by cab drivers for his frequency in catching abs and the large tips he always left them.
So I arrive and met Stacey, then Dan outside and we went inside after smoking our Newport's and making uneasy conversation even though we've all known each other for years.
So we step into the prosecutor's { Mrs. Banks} office,{who by the way, is a great prosecutor, knows her case and has done everything in her power to make this easier. I just wanna give her a public thank you again because she has helped me tremendously} and discuss the day at hand.
So then Her and I walk down to the courtroom to see if we will be able to get an open courtroom for trial. I sit 2 rows from the front. I notice about 10 or 12 people in the courtroom. There are 5 or 6 sitting in the middle of the courtroom, then 5 or so on the other side, plus clerks lawyers, etc.
After sitting for what seems like eternity and taking another smoke break, they finally have the correctional officers bring out Mr Taylor" I need to be kicked in the face and spit on" Taylor and another defendant out. Back in March at the arraignment, this guy couldn't look up let alone look at me or any of the 20 other people who were there. But this time he walks out in his suit, tall, sits down then turns around and looks at me.
I swear on everything holy I wanted to cry jump up and choke him and scream all at the same time. "This son of a bitch has balls now?" I just keep staring because I figure "Hey, you don't have a gun now so what's the deal? Be a fucking man and keep looking at me til my eyes pierce a hole in your damn peanut head."

Just as we are having our stare-off, the five people in the middle of the courtroom move forward to the first two rows. I look over and think " O.k, this must be some of his family." There are 3 ladies , older ladies, maybe in the 30-50 range, although one is obviously older maybe more than 50, a young guy who is either Spanish or mixed, his nationality is hard to determine, and some chicken head who thinks she is too hot.
So the young guy leans over and says something in chicken heads ear..... they both look at me and I look back at them then look behind me because obviously they see something interesting.. oh wait, that wold be me.
So I think " well if the chicken jumps I'll just pluck her fucking feathers out, and if the other 4 jump me, so be it. I'll take a beat down by 5 for Sam any day. But best believe at least one of them is leaving with a chunk of my boot heel in their ass.

So after some sideways looks from them and a few more looks from Mr Taylor, they finally call our case, at which time we are sent to administrative court to try and get courtroom or another date to return, yes another dreaded postponement.
Which brings me to another funny fact: Isn't it unusual for the defendant to have a better tailored suit than his attorney I mean the dude isn't Tony Montana. I believe his lawyer would defend a child molester who molested his own daughter if the money was right, he's a dick.

So after all that we got postponed to March 1st,2007. We had a courtroom, but then the judge somehow couldn't "hear" the case. I dunno what the deal with that is.
So now it's another 3 months and that makes it going on almost 2 years my brother has been gone this coming June and we still can't get this shit under way. He deserves some justice. I hate to say it, but in Baltimore, had he been 100% white, this wouldn't be going on. Or had MR Taylor killed someone white, this would have already been a done deal.

And If I haven't said it much or at all, I want to tell everyone who has stood by me and showed me their support that I greatly appreciate it and you all are valued greatly by me. You guys need to know that you mean a lot to me and I'm thankful for all of you.
Peace

P.S ... for the ones in Mr Taylor's family who attended court, next time please stop staring at me , take a picture it lasts longer

They say the third time is the charm

2006-11-28T01:37:00.000-08:00

Thursday will be the 3rd time we go to court, well 4th if you count the arraignment. I feel like I'm in the middle... I want this to get over with but at the same time I am scared that the end result will be a total and complete disappointment.

Feels sorta lie stage fright... your anxious but when the time comes you can't seem to get into motion. I wish this could be done in a day, like next day photos or something. I mean it took a split second to shoot Sam, why does he get months upon months to prepare a defense... sure woulda been nice if Sam had gotten the same prep time before he was killed.

But you know what? Even though I'm nervous, I will do what I've been doing and will continue to do... stand tall and represent the person my brother was. He stood for what he believed was right, and he supported his family 110%, so how could I not do the same?

It's funny thinking about this whole court process and investigation. For a long time we had the "Sam bandwagon" .... any and everyone who had any connection to him claimed they were the best friend and swore they would be there throughout everything..... that died down somewhat about week after the funeral. Then we had the "Sam bandwagon 2"... that was after they caught Mr taylor in Virginia... there was new life in the case, and everyone had their say on what they thought would and should happen. People actually congratulated me.

I'll admit there was celebration, but not party type celebration. It was a sense of relief and was glad to tell people progress was being made, but what most didn't understand or care to understand was that i HAD A REAL FEAR INSIDE OF ME ... WHAT IF THIS GUY WALKS FREE??

I kept that mostly to myself because, as most people do, everyone had this train of thought that this was done and over and he would be locked in a cell for life, no trial just locked away.I got tired of explaining the process to those too stuck in their own beliefs on the subject.

So fast forward to March 17, 2006, the day after my 26th birthday..... arraignment day. A lot of people thought he was getting sentenced that day but again, I explained no he is just being formally charged and he enters his plea. I will say We had almost 20 friends and family show up to show support, which was great because I had ben the strong one since that terrible night my life changed forever.But of course, there was the bandwagon of "Woe is Me" so I stepped back and let everyone else vent.

So then June came... I'm anxious ....for nothing, we got a postponement, but we were told to expect that. September...postponement. Now here we are in November, and I am honestly expecting a postponement, but I'm still praying for this to get under way, no matter how nervous it makes me.

This post has turned into a bit of a long one, but I just wanted to get it out. I've been strong for soooo long for my parents, friends etc, and yet there are not many times when I've been able to break down and have that same support given back by all who I gave it to.

I'm not mad actually, it's like my brother always said, he knew who was "real" around him, and now I can see who is and isn't real regarding their love for my brother.

Apparently a certain female who knew my brother and I don't really care for thinks that me and some of my friends are trying to keep the pain of his death fresh. I had to reply to her that maybe that's what it is for them, but for me, it has never really dulled, I jut don't always show it on the outside. I have nights whenI've been at home and cried looking at old pics, reading old letters etc, or just seeing something on tv, but I don't broadcast it to everyone. Not everyone cares, and it's not their brother, so should I be mad. I say No, I shouldn't. But I had to let her know, no matter what, no matter how long, not having him here will always be a fresh wound for me, just sometimes it gets more salt in it than at other times.

Well enough for now. I'll post an update maybe tursday night after I find out our next step. they say three times is a charm, but what do they say about the4th?

When will it ever end? R.I.P again

2006-11-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't wrote anything in awhile... I've been busy working, taking care of my house etc... but tpday I just had to get this out. When will these stupid sons of bitches learn tha killing people in cold blood is wrong. I just got a message today that one of my friends from childhood was shot and killed.

The mother of his daughter was also one of my best friends from childhood and we are still friends today. Apparently, some asshole shot him while he was getting ready to go to the movies with his daughter. They shot him and the bullet went through him and hit his daughter as well, but thank god she survived.

I am hurt by this, but honestly, I haven't seen the guy in years but he was a decent laid back guy. He was from Philly, my hometown. I wonder if they will catch or even have any idea who did this? I pray for his family and his daughter and her mother, and hope their pain isn't anywhere near what I went through, and pray if they do have to go through this bullshit called the court process they get a speedy resolution so as not to drag them in and out of grief for longer than necessary.

I talked to my friend Tahira today as soon as i got the message, and I could hear the hurt in her voice. I cried more for her and her daughter than anything because I know their pain, and I'd never wish that pain on anyone. I am going to make all efforts to go to his funeral to show my last respects to him, and to let my friend know I'm there even though I'm not right next door.

It seems like once you start to heal from one hurt another one comes and re-opens the wound, infects it and makes it worse than ever before.

So I'll close this by saying REST IN PEACE TJ...... YOU ARE MISSED GREATLY
The only comfort I can take in this is that I know there are at least 2 people in heaven that will watch over my family, friends and myself. Till we meet again my friend

Letter to myself in the past

2006-10-10T03:29:00.000-07:00

This a letter I wrote to myself...kinda crazy huh? It is written to myself in the past... I wrote it back in September before the 2nd postponement when I was going through a rough stretch personally with all this crap.

Dear Liz,

You may not think so now, but things will get better. It's been a whirlwind, but trust me, because I AM you, you'll make it. Who would've thought you'd be sitting here after burying your olderst brother at the age of 26?? This isn't suppose to happen, at least not for quite a few more years. You and Sam should be doing this somewhere down the line for Mom and Dad, not them doing it for Sam.

I know your mad as hell right now, but you got to stay strong. You have to hold everyone together, especially Mom and Dad...Stacey too. They need you as much if not more than you need them right now. I know you haven't really taken a lot of time to sit back and reflect, sort through your feelings, but you know Sam was the strong one, and now that he's gone, you've got to step up,

Try to remember the things Sam wanted you to get out of life, the dreams he had for you, as well as himself. Remember that planned trip to Pittsburgh? Do it. Maybe not now, but do it, fulfill that wish for him. Remember what Sam said to you about school? Get it done.

All of these things are small things you can do to let him see in his afterlife that you did have faith and trust in his advice and that you love him enough to better yourself in the face of obstacles.

I know how you feel, I was there. i know the pain in your heart, the anger in your mind, and the feeling of anguish deep in your soul. That feeling of anguish will never completely go away, I still have days like that, but they will get less and you will continue to become a stronger person from dealing with it as it comes. Don't worry yourself with the What If's too much, what will be will be. If that guy goes to jail then fine, if not he will be punished in the afterlife, as long as you gave 210% of yourself , no one can ask for anything more. Don't worry about the guys idiot friends, in my own words " ignorance is heaven for an idiot" so let them have their joy.

Please don't look at this as me telling you to gt past it... that's never gonna happen, Just try to live each day as it comes. Try to stay positive no matter how bleak the future seems. Things tend to get bad before they get worse. I know... easier said than done.

Just take this letter, and whenever it seems as though nothing could be worse, smile. Take the barriers that are thrown up with a grain of salt... the worst is over. Sam loved you, he sees how much you loved him, and although it may not be a big comfort to you right now, just know that he's watching you and you'll see him again one day.

Take care of yourself

Sincerely,
Liz

Reminiscing

2006-10-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

The toher night I was on Myspace and I found a few of my childhood friends that I hadn't seen in probably a decade or talked to in years, and it made me think of back in the day. It made me sit back and think of good times and bad ones, funny moments and sad ones that can't be or shouldn't be replaced. I also thought of times I spent with Sam... good and bad. Even though we had our normal brother-sister squabbles, he was always a friend and always there for me to talk to.

I actually realize now that some people look back on their memories and say I would of changed this or done this, but now when I look back on choices I've made, good and bad, I see now that those choices made me who I am today and I wouldn't change myself. Bad things and Good things that have happened to me shaped the person I am today, and I must say, I am pleased with myself for the most part. yes, I still have some flaws, but who doesn't?

By reminiscing I realized that my past, my history with my brother, everything that has happened is for a reason that I may not know, but all of it happened for some reason. All of it happened to make me who I am, and to lead me to where I am today. And even though I would change the way my brother died, I wouldn't change a thing about him, because I loved him for him. That's what my reminiscing seesion did, made me realize that I am SO fortunate to have known him, among others, and that I'm grateful for the effect all of those people had on me, good or bad, most of all I'm glad for the effect Sam had. Thank You Sam.

Wondering

2006-09-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

" Life's up and downs they come and go but when I die I hope I live in the skyAll my folks who aint alive I hope they live in the skypray to God when I die that I live in the sky It's true what goes around comes back you know so when I die I hope I live in the sky All my folk who aint survive may they live in the skyTell God I wanna fly and let me live in the sky"
From T.I's "Live In The Sky"

I have heard this song many times, but it's like I've said before, sometimes words in a song, depending on your mood and state of mind, can take on a different meaning or mean something more to you today then they did a day ago, even 5 minutes ago. that's why i put the video above and the words to the chorus on my blog. I put them here because even though every word in the song may not realte to Sam's situation, it still makes me think of him, how he left and how he was. Like T.I says in the last verse of the song before the bridge "...like a man prepared to take what ever coming for me... Im a G prepared to die for whats important to me look anybody in the eye who say he want it wit me..."

Those words remind me of Sam. he was a man. He would do anything to defend what he cared about, who he cared about. He would look anybody in the eye and wouldn'trun from his problems. He wasn't a trouble starter, but rather a man who stood his ground. And like all men, he made some bad choices in life and some good, but he was a man because he learned from those mistakes and moved on.

I put this post up today because I am just feeling really sad today. I'm really missing my brother today and it's hurtin. I've been trying to maintain and be nice today, but I don't know. I'm thinking I should take off work tonight. But I'm not, and you know why?

Because I have to be the strong one now, put on the game face. Sam isn't here to do it, so it falls on me, and I've been holding it down for 1 year 3 months and 25 days now, and I'm not going to stop now. I have to be strong for my son and his nephew, our brother, our mother, and the rest of the family. I can't lie and say it's an easy load. This load is fucking heavy and wide, and it weighs on me bad some days. But I still pull through and I still keep my head up and live life the way my brother would want me to.

So with that said, I know Sam is "livin' in the sky" so I can take some comfort in that. And that is one thing that lightens the load of responsibility I have.

When good arises from bad

2006-09-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

People have always told me since Sam died that his death has brought about ymwriting, or the discovery of me writing. I agreed with this to a point, but at the same time I would always think, "How can I be glad about my weiting being seen by many through the papers, my blog etc if it came by my brother dying?"

I can say that this past Wednesday I won the "best Blog" in the Best of Baltimore, in Baltimore's City Paper { http://www.citypaper.com/bob/story.asp?id=12384 }

I didn't know anything about it until Wednesday night at 11pm when I went to work at The Rendezvous and my friends were congratulating me and I didn't know for what.

After going home Wednesday night, and after thinking about it this weekend, I came to the conclusion that although Sam died violently, there was no way i could stop it, and although it pains me greatly every day I walk this earth, I should not let the good that has come from it not be appreciated. Some people have said that Sam's purpose here ma have been to get me noticed, to get me writing, or writing more. That may be true, and if it is, I just wish that God could have used him here on earth to do it instead of letting him be ripped away from us.

So Sam, thank you for what your life and tragic passing has brought about.

Even though I think his passing is what caused my writing semi success so far, Mr taylor should have to pay for his crime here on earth, and in the afterlife. Hopefully there is a hot corner full of lava and a guy with a pitchfork p=waiting to poke him every time he gets too comfortable, waiting for him

And then...

2006-09-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

Another postponement. This is the second time, but you know what? I'm not really all that upset this time. I was anxious to get this case going, and I still am. I stayed up all night last night since 10pm until now and it's almost 5pm. We waited for a few hours , and I was hopeful but at the same time nervous.

So now another few months and we'll be back at it. I just hope his family is half as prepared as mine, shit at least half as prepared as me. I will represent my brother in the time he needs me most, the State will represent him at the time he needs it most, when he isn't able to because he is gone.

Well its rest and somewhat relaxation as I kick back, reflect on memories of Sam, which I have been doing all day with my sister in law, and pray for justice as I always do.

Wonder if his friends from Fairfax County schools are reading this too.... to them all I really want to say is ... talk some sense into Mr Taylor... you can postpone a trial for months upon years, but justice is always on time and I have loads of patience, so no matter how many postponements come about, I am not going anywhere and I will be at every hearing. If {and when} he is sentenced I will be writing letters at any and every parole hearing. I am not going anywhere. Believe that!

And since I haven't wriiten it here lately.....Sam I Love You, you are gone but not forgotten!

Off to Court...again

2006-09-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

It is 7:22 in the a.m. I am about to get dressed , head downtown and see what the judicial system has in store for me and my family. I am going to say a prayer that justice sees its way through all of this crap we go through at court. Just please say a prayer for justice for my brother and some small piece of closure for my family.

My friend Cat writes online also and she put a quote on a blog she wrote about Sept. 11th and it hit home with me, so I'll close with it....

Cat quote 4 us all " Great losses and hardships Can drain your soul but not more then the pain on you and your bodies toll, so if you are sad on this tragic day look in the mirrior and don't ask why but remember you are here because god let you survive"

Thank you Cat and everyone please keep Sam in your prayers

Here We Go

2006-09-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

So the trial date is inching awful close now and im getting more anxious every day , hour and minute that pass by. It's sorta like that unsettled feeling you would get as a kid when u messed up and were sitting waiting for your parents to punish you. You knew it wasn't going to be pleasant , even if things leaned toward your favor.

I haven't really been writing many updates about developments in the case like before. The reason is two-fold. One is the people who care the most, such as family and friends, ask me directly. Secondly, Mr Taylor has family or friends that read this and if they don't know what's going on I'm not in this to make things easier for them.

I am trying to hope for the best. I will say my prayers as usual tonight asking for justive for Sam, justice for Mr taylor and his crime, and a sense of closure for my family. But in all actuality, there will never be full closure. Not for me anyway. If Mr Taylor gets sentenced to 1 year, 100 years or no years, I have still lost an important part of my life that i miss no less today than I did June 2nd 2005 when I got the news. If Mr Taylor serves no time, it will only be like salt on a wound for me. He gets away with it, so to speak. Although he will pass on one day and have to meet his maker, I still feel that he should suffer just a fraction of what I have gone through.

So here we go...again. Hopefully there will be no postponements, and hopefully God will answer my prayers and show Mr Taylor the error of his ways.

You never need to hide if you have nothing to be ashamed of

2006-09-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

I like when I look at my blog stats and see that Springfield Virginia still pops up. Yes my picture is on the blog. Yes my thoughts and opinions are here. I will never apologize for anything I've said here npr should I. It is how I feel about my brother , his untimely demise and the bastard who brought it about.

So when the next court date arrives, I'm sure that person will be there, lurking, waiting to see me. Well come see me then , I really don't mind. My brother was the innocent in this, as they are, and the person in jail is to blame. I didn't bring this chaos to his family or friends, they did. He caused them unneeded stress by killing someone, then needing a lwayer, so be mad at him, not me.

I really wasn't going to publish this, but I just felt the need to get it out there. So when court time comes and your staring at me, my family and friends, or Mr taylor, remember that he did this crime for a dumb ass reason, now he should have to pay, and its not my fucking fault nor anyone except Mr Taylor's for this situation, anyone with half a fucking brain can see that. You kill someone, you get caught, you go to jail and trial, you do time. That may suck for him and his family, but that's the consequences of being a punk ass who can't fight nor talk out their battles. Every action has repercussions, good or bad.

I know the reason why Mr Taylor killed my brother, but I can't write it here, but basically he's a coward who let his ego get him in Baltimore's finest penal institution.

In closing, I hope my family finds peace as well as his, but for my part I feel no remorse for Mr Taylor, and they can thank him for all the strife caused by this case. And if they see me in court and feel mad at me, that's fine by me. I'm mad at them for not raising him to know how to deal with life like a man. Maybe he did learn that and just disregarded what was instilled in him, but one thing for sure , 2 for certain. I will be at EVERY court date and Mr taylor will see that there are no guns in jail and he will have to man up and face other men head on. Good luck partna!

13 is thought to be unlucky

2006-08-29T00:24:00.000-07:00

Today is August 29th, 2006. The next court date is 13 days away, as I don't count the day of the case. Getting antsy again, waiting anticipating, wondering what will happen next. Lately I've had a lot of people coming up to me with memories of Sam , especially because of my new job, which I don't really consider a job. I serve drinks to people i know and get paid to do it. I like it. But that's not the point, I got off on a rant there.

I'm just sitting here wondering what will happen... will the case begin, will there be a plea deal, will the guy just confess? Highly unlikely on the last one, but hope not gone here, it's what he should do, because when all is said and done, whether he does 1 day or 100 years, he'll still have to answer to his higher power for what he has done to Sam and anything else he has done in his lifetime. I know this guy has to be sitting in jail thinking what a dumb move he made. You don't hear people walking around saying he's "hard" or a thug, you don't hear people giving him kudos, shouting him out or doing shots at the bar toasting to Ameer. Hell No, rather you here shots STILL 1 year, 2 months and 27 days later being toasted to SAM. And I love it, becuase there is still so much love for my brother. He will not be forgotten nor forsaken. Even after this trial is done he will still be remembered. It's like the picture I have of him says " Gone but Not Forgotten" and it still rings true.

I am a bit anxious to get this rolling. I want this guy to have to relive that night and think how a moment of thought could have changed 100's of lives, including his, for the better.

Well. guess we'll just wait and see. I'll be saying an extra prayer every night for a speedy end to this trial and proper punishment for Mr. Taylor. I say a prayer every night anyway, but an extra one to remind God that punishment is needed for the taking of one of his angels who walked this earth for 30 years and left so abruptly for no reason.

As always if anyone needs trial info such as date, room number etc , feel free to use my contact link and I'll get it to you.

Some souls can't be saved

2006-08-15T02:33:00.000-07:00

It is 5:29am and I haven't been to sleep yet. Had a hell of a night. For starters, I now work at the bar so didn't get home til late. Then a friend dropped by after waiting on the bus for an hour and some odd minutes so they could crash before work....then came the madness.

I won't go into details but sometimes the amount of trials and tribulations people go through is amazing. Sometimes people don't realize when enough is enough.

Someone close to me had, to put it simply, a domestic violence issue. But due to this persons past lies, their current mental state and our past history, there wasn't much I could do but ask them why in fuck do they keep going back?WHY??!!

She couldn't give a reason she just kept saying I know.

It's times like this when Sam would calm everyone down, be rational and handle the situation . He'd be , so to speak, the adult. I have realized again today more than I have lately that I deeply miss my brother. I have always deeply missed him, but the last few days working at the bar, seeing things there , like his drink concoctions written on cards in a mini file or pictures, or even a can of Sparks, made me realize how different my life is without him. It's times like these that make me realize how much easier and pleasant life with him here was.

He could of saved my friend. He would have given her the truth in a harsh "fucking listen to me cuz I love you"way that I couldn't do. I tried but couldn't. Maybe she is destined to be a lost soul, or maybe some souls just aren't meant to and can't be saved.

Is Pain love or is love pain?

2006-07-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have not written anything in such a long time. A lot has been going on for me personally, aside from this case. I've been trying to sort out my personal affairs and even doing that I fell ill. Damn stomach virus and with being diabetic, it landed me in the hospital for about 3 days. But I am better now ... physically anyway.

Which comes to what I've been contemplating and pondering, stressing my mind over for quite some time. If you've ever read this blog before, you have read the insight I've gained into some of my so-called friends before. But anyways, to what I've been pondering...is love suppose to hurt? I don't mean that heartache feeling but literally, should it physically hurt, should it make your mental state a blur where you know what should be, needs to be done to start things on the right path yet your mind is overruled by your heart and you take the road more often traveled, the one filled with upset and pain?

That seems to be where I am right now. I seem to keep making the choices that bring me the least joy and peace and the most upset and disappointment.

it's times like these when I really need to vent, talk to one of my few friends I can elaborate this situation to and get an honest opinion on, but its times like these that they are the hardest to get ahold of.

Well that's about it, no updates on the case as of yet, but the new trial date is a bit more than a month off. In closing , i wanted to mention one weird thing. While in the hospital, I had a hard time sleeping. But when I did manage to doze off at night, I would always awaken really late at night{or early in the morning... I dont call it morning til I've been to sleep} ... and when I would look at the clock and it would ALWAYS be 3:03AM... the time that Sam was pronounced dead. Kinda creeped me out when I realized that.

I'll write here more often than i have, since it seems this is one of the only places i can get a grip on my thoughts, process them and then move on. Ahhh the power of the internet!!

I'm back !

2006-06-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Ok now that I have my internet service situated , I am back online now. Not much has really happened since the last post as far as updates on the court case. I have though however, come to some realizations about people and life, actually they are things I already knew but now I am actually seeing first-hand how they are true.

I don't want to go into much detail about why, but let's just say that keeping your friends close and your enemies closer has never rung so true before. Also I realized , no actually I saw firsthand since I have always known this, that some people don't know how to be selfless ever, and that some people who say they are friends are merely friends of convenience... They are your friends when times are good, or when beneficial to them, but when the chips are down they do a 180.

Well not much else to say right now but if you need to contact me, use the contact link in my profile, which I've changed the email on to a email devoted strictly to Sam , his court case, and anything related to or brought about by this blog.

I think I'm ready Now

2006-06-14T22:26:00.000-07:00

{The picture is me with blue shirt, Larry with white undershirt and a bunch of friends, or as we call each other "fam" after the funeral...together and at peace, as Sam would have wanted it}

O.k... I didn't write immediately after court because not much happened it was postponed until September. The only thing that happened was I happened to be seted behind Mr. Taylor's father and I believe maybe his grandmother, an older woman maybe in her 60's or so. Sitting behind them, I thought the man resembled the defendant but didn't think too much of it until it was confirmed for me.

Also while sitting behind them, I got some clarification into why Mr taylor may have been so callous and dumb as to shoot Sam. I watched and listened to, as did about a dozen other people, his father cursing out the woman believed to be the grandmother with things like " Shut the fuck up" " Bitch just listen" things of that nature. I guess when you see where someone comes from it can help partially explain why they are the way they are... but it's still not an excuse.

Also I took notice that Warren Brown looks like Jackie Chiles, a character on Seinfeld who happens to be a lawyer also{do a google image such for both names and you'll see.

But I'm writing today because my internet may be off for a few days while I switch service providers and I'm not sure when it's going down. That and the fact that after thinking abut this case as I normally do, a few observations from some people fairly close to me, I may be scared but I'm ready. They can't see I'm scared unless I show it, and I wear a poker face like no other. I'm scared of only one thing, and that's if this fool walks free, not scared of him personally, but scared of how it will affect myself as well as my family.

I have already wrote a victim impact statement, but now with more time to think, I can think of sooo much more to add. I have a posterboard in my livingroom behind my computer that over 2 dozen people signed leaving their thoughts love and memories of Sam after he died. I wonder if it would be acceptable to bring that to court? Probably not, but would it be acceptable to read the comments? It would just show how deeply his death affected not only me, but so many inside our neighborhood and outside.

Even if I could read those comments, it wouldn't make it better. The only thing that would make it better is if heis punishment could be to suffer being shot multiple times , falling unconcious on the pavement and dying in a hospital not able to say goodbye to anyone.

It's Time

2006-06-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, well actually today since it's 12:39am, is trial day. Well it's time to go back to court. We may be postponed, jury selection may start or maybe a plea bargain, it's sort of like a crap shot. No actually it's like getting all dressed up for a party then you wait on a ride and you wait and wait and wait only to find out that your ride knew all along the party was cancelled or postponed and didn't tell you. It's the waiting game. I'm not very patient at times either.

I've been kinda restless all day, running errands, cooking dinner, normal stuff and other miscellaneous tasks which I used to pass the time up until now. Now I can't sleep. It's a repeat of the arraignment date. I slept a total of like maybe 3 hours in 2 days , went to court, held it together , got everyone there and organized and at the end of the day nothing really changed. My reality was still the same, no Sam, no brother, no friend.

All that work getting together everyone to support each other and nothing to show really except a big turnout. Nothing except my personal satisfaction. I got the satisfaction of putting a face to the monster who murdered Sam. I got the satisfaction of watching that bastard shake his legs uncontrollably and play with his hands. I got the satisfaction of watching him slink on the bench he was seated on because he felt the heat from the stares of a little over a dozen hurt, angry, frustrated people who loved Sam as much as I do.

So for most people it would be nothing, maybe nothing bad happened like a chandelier falling on his head, or a lethal injection, or a confession or even life in jail. That may never happen, but the mental anguish he had to endure with all of us there letting him know that " Hey, we love Sam and your not getting off easy for this one. reap what you sow"

I think he got the message and that's something for me.

On another note, I was on a internet bulletin board and saw a post talking about what this one woman's family was going through after they lost her sister. I could relate but I always try to imagine both sides. I wonder what his family is feeling, if they care, if they think he's innocent, guilty or if they even care about us, which I'm almost positive the answer is no.

I would like to know what will be going through their minds in that courtroom this morning as we all sit amongst each other waiting for something to happen. I wonder if they think about how our family felt when we got the call from the hospital that Sam had been shot.

I always wondered what his family thought when he was arrested. I wonder if he told them what he did, if he talked about it at all to them, if he was remorseful or if he was uncaring.

It doesn't matter because through it all they still had him and we didn't and will not ever have Sam in the physical form again.

So for now, I'm going to end this saying I will be there , on time, supporting Sam, as he would do me, with his name on my arm and all, so If you ever see the tattoo in this picture, you'll know it stands for the love of my brother, the love that i will hold within me forever and the undying loyalty and devotion I will always have for him. I hope this bastard has someone who gives a damn about him even a 1/3 as much as I cared for Sam, but I doubt it ... I soooooooo doubt it.

{I haven't forgotten you Sam}

The One Year Mark

2006-06-02T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today, June 2nd... the day Sam was killed. I thought I would be in a raging bad mood upon waking up, but not really. I am sad, yes... but I found myself being actually NICER today to people, smiling at strangers, saying hello to random people on the bus, street etc, which is not easy in Baltimore because there is such a air of mean in the air at most times.
Wednesday is court day so hopefully I can keep my mood upbeat, well at least hold it together and think positive.

Wow... I can't believe It's been a whole year but it has

A lot has happened in my life over the last year but one thing has not changed.... Sam is not here with me

{on another note, I have also been writing on my myspace blog, but some of the posts are set to friends so if you want to read the private posts there you'd need to join myspace or email me and I can send them to you possibly}

Back then they didn't read me, now he's in jail they all up on me

2006-05-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah I bit Mike Jones a lil bit in the title... He's a the rapper whose 1st hit song had this line repeated several times throughout the song
" Back then they didn't want me, now I'm hot they all up on me"

I hadn't checked my statistics for who has been on the site since April, but I find it funny that so many people from Virginia, especially Springfield and the surrounding area spend a nice amount of time on my site. I like it, I like it a lot.

Funny they didn't give a fuck about this blog before Mr Taylor got locked up, but now he's in jail awaiting trial they ALL on it. Yeah improper english... so what! But it's true , and before I made a post about this but realized that when I compared stats from December and Stats from March on, lots of folks in the VA area seem to like to read me. Maybe it's randomness, but when I check how they arrived at my page, I see searches for Ameer Taylor, Liz point, basically searches for words with my name or Mr taylor's name, not always but quite frequently.

Mr Taylor is not exactly a celebrity so why the hell would people who don't know him or have something to do with this trial google his name or mine? Exactly, they wouldn't

I wish they had to leave a picture when they entered the site, or I could get an email address so I could send an email simply stating... why do you care what I think? Why? Why in the hell do you wanna know what I'm feeling, as if you give a shit. I don't give a shit about your family member or friend, whatever he may be to you, as he didn't give a damn about Sam , so if your waiting for the post where I say I feel sorry for him eating Bologna and warm milk at the detention center for dinner... it ain't gonna happen. I actually wish a few days they'd give him spoiled Bologna and curdled milk, so that he can appreciate that he is still among the living with the god given gift to taste that the milk and Bologna are spoiled. Sam can't have that luxury. I kinda hope at night once he does find sleep that one of his cell mates decides to take a nice big shit while he is sleeping next to the toilet and the stench wakes him up, and hope he appreciates the ability to smell smells, good and bad... because Sam can't smell shit 6 feet below the ground turning to dust.

Yea I'm a little angry today, but I'm entitled. I haven't vented here in a while so it's overdue, and whoever agrees, message me... whoever doesn't, message me as well, be brave for a change, send me a damned email and speak your mind.

Well anyway I'm gonna finish up other online duties so I'll wrap this up but to those who know Mr Taylor and read this, please remind him, regardless if you believe/know of his guilt, how precious life is, how lucky we are to live, breathe, see , hear and taste everyday that God wakes us up. Remind him life is a gift from GOD , given and taken away when GOD chooses, and when a man or woman interferes with God's gifts and woprk, the end result is always negative. Nothing is gained on either side. Your street cred may grow, but what damn good is it if your rotting away in jail??

I would much rather be considered a punk, or as we say nowadays , a whore, and have people joke rather than waste the prime years of my life eating crappy food, sleeping in a 4' x 6' cell saying why did I do this? Hindsight is a bitch.

So I'm changing my quote on the top of the page, temporarily at least to the chorus lyrics from 2pac's Life Goes On

"How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
It'd be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on....." 2pac - Life Goes On

Basically that's for Sam... he was a "G" not in the sense he was a hustler... he wasn't, but he was a "G" in my eyes because he was a REAL man, he took care of his home, his family and his friends, spoke his mind, he gave you the truth, and he had love for just about everyone, and even if he didn't like you, he would steer clear, and yet still respect you, because he was a MAN.

These fools out here who kill to boost their rep, over petty arguments, because their ego's are so fragile they can't take any hit on them without it being considered a call to war, to those who sell drugs to the kids and their friends parents but say they care about people.... they aren't "G's", they are boys lost inside the bodies of grown men who need some extra attention and maybe a loud wake up call to make them see that being a man is more than your rep or what people think of you... it's so much more.

Maybe one day someone will realize this, and it will keep another sister from losing her brother to dumbness.

Emotional triggers

2006-05-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

{ I actually wrote this on Thursday}

I have been feeling rather angry lately
All my friends understand why, well most do, and most sympathize with me
But I just wanna put it out there
I have spent the better part of the last 12 months dealing with detectives, looking for peopele, making calls, making arrangements, keeping people updated, basically keeping busy with Sam's murder trial
And now in the last month or so, with things really being wound down a lot, I have had a lot of time to think, remember, and reminisce.
With all that time, it took me until today to realize, I never really got the chance to go through my grieving process like everyone else did. I was so busy being strong for my Sam's friends, being strong for my parents, my son, my brother, Sam's girlfriend, that I didn't take time aside to acknowledge my pain fully and recognize that I need time too.
I was told by a counselor that the littlest thing can trigger me to remember Sam's death and upset me. I remember it every day and I use to say..."how the hell could I ever forget?" But Monday I saw what she meant.
I was sitting in a class environment discussing jobs and job skills, resumes etc and they started to go around and say what do you want to do just to kind of get people interacting. When it came around to me, I already had a slight attitude, but I answered " Well I want to write"... the instructor asked me when I started writing... I told her I always liked writing stories and my thoughts since I was young, but that only recently over the last year had I decided to take it any further.
So of course she asked how I decided that... I knew why but when I started to speak all i got to before the tears came was" When my brother was killed...". I eventually got myself composed and explained the whole story. This lady was very supportive, gave me a hug and the class continued to talk.
2 days later I was in the same class with a different instructor, and she asked what we wanted to do ultimately as our career goal again.
I explained to her" i want to write for a living but I know it will take time , work and focus" So she asked me if I had credentials to be able to do that. I said as far as schooling, no no college but I write online, have been featured in the paper. I tried to continue to tell her that I also was working on some stories for some small local publications to get my feet wet, in the door so to speak, and she cut me off saying " Just because you've been published doesn't mean you can do it as a career." I got upset...real upset. I felt the profanities and other unladylike comments about to flow from my mouth, but I held back and said in my mind " Who the fuck is she? Sha doesn't know what my abilities are or what I'm capable of. Fuck her opinion. I'd be stupid to not pursue it . Even if I fail, I won't have to wonder what might have been, and just pursuing it is a accomplishment in and of itself"
So she continued with a few more analogies. I was heated. I ended up stepping out a few minutes later to use the restroom, and saw the instructor I had talked with the first day. She was looking to call me to finish some paperwork and we ended up talking. We talked for aout 30 minutes then I returened to the class.
To wrap it up, the lady who tried to say i wasn't good enough ended up apologizing and trying to rephrase her wording, but I said" Why should I care? " People seem to thrive on making others feel less accomplished or like they aren;t good enough. Those things along with the plea deal shit just set me off.
So I went to see someone at the family ereavement center, we talked and I felt somewhat better. She gave me some clarity and another perspective. I am still in a bit of a mood, but I see what my counselor meant about triggers, the littlest things can send you overboard.
There's a few left out incidents /things that have happened as well, but I will write about them later. For now I just wanted to acknowledge I am a good writer no matter what anyone thinks, and that I am still grieving , and no matter what I do, I have to let my grief take it's course... not fight it but when it comes accept it for what it is.

I also realized that I need to verbalize my pain orally as well. I felt better actually saying out loud in front of 40 people I don't know that I miss my brother and that a part of me is gone, forever.

Funny how something as little as a comment or look , even dates, because Sam's birthday is about a month away... June 2nd when he was killed is about a week away so I think subconciously knowing all this also triggered my emotions. I am just thankful I was able to realize it this soon so that I can work through it.

So in closing... over the next 2 weeks I will be mourning for Sam, preparing for court, and as well remembering the happier person i was in May of last year... with my brother. I will mourn for the times past and the piece of me that is gone too. But at least I am doing ok with the grief , I am getting by and recognizing it for what it is, and that in and of itself is a big step towards some peace. Proceeding with the trial and a hopefully speedy one with punishment for the one who killed Sam will bring more peace, but it will never bring him back.

Time

2006-05-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

June 29th is coming up fast... June 2nd is coming fast too... June 7th is coming as well, fairly fast as well.
Your probably saying" what the hell are thses dates?" Ok:
June 29th is Sam's. well would have been Sam's 32nd birthday
June 2nd is the day he was killed
June 7th is the trial, which knowing the wonderfully overcrowded, understaffed and almost incompetent legal system in Baltimore, will probably be postponed.
I just came from the supermarket, looked at the date and realized almost a year has past since what I like to call "The Summer from Hell"
Last summer I lost a few friends, found out I had friends I never knew were there for me, and realized that I still have a lot of growing to do.
I don't know why my mind wandered to this today, but I just can't figure out where the past year has gone... feels like I've been sleepwalking through the 2nd half of 2005 and beginning of 2006.
I remember when a year would seem to take forever...when my son was taking his first steps{actually he ran!} now he'll be in school in September.
I can remember when my younger brother was in diapers working my last nerve and crushing on my friends.... now he;s driving and he'll be out of high school soon.
I remember when Sam was in the Coast Guard Reserve, and he came home and we spent time together in Cape May.
I can remember so much , like it was yesterday
Like it just happened, but it's been so long
I am starting to ramble a bit but my whole point was time flies, and so many times we don't take full advantage of it. We take for granted the time we have together, the fun memories, we rarely stop and look at how precious our time is.
It took me a long time to realize this. I always use to just take for granted that tomorrow was a given. That is was a definite.
It's not a given, it's a blessing. I appreciate everyday i can wake up, see my family, friends, even my enemies, because it means that God has allowed it. It took losing my brother for me to realize how grateful I should be for everyday I wake up healthy, breathing and able to enjoy life.
So in closing,last year I would have been saying "damn, where did a whole year go? Now I'm saying "God thank you for letting me see another year"

Letter to Sam

2006-04-23T22:23:00.001-07:00

{I wrote this a few days ago, but had second thoughts on publishing it, but decided to anyway}

Sam,

Lately, I have been having a hard time. It seems like there is so much for me to do, but so little to make me do it. I push myself and still find that I'm stuck, no tangible progress. Sometimes It feels like things fall apart before they are close to being put together. Will anything ever be how it should be?

Maybe you can see something , something I'm not seeing in my conscious state, that would help me get through my personal issues. You know what they are. I don't ask for much, just to be content....no fancy cars or fancy house, just stability, happiness for your nephew, and peace of mind. Not having to worry about who is watching my actions.

I want to write about so much, but I'm still a bit scared. I don't want to share with poeple sometimes, and sometimes I do. I never even really got to share writing with you, but now your gone I've shared it with so many.

I just feel lonely inside and , although this may sound sad, writing you this letter is better for me than talking to some people. I always seem to have people around me, around the house, or I'm out around people, but I feel alone. Isolated. I just feel like I'm watching life go by from a spectator's viewpoint, I see myself but I feel disconnected from the everyday.

Maybe it's the just me being emotional, maybe it's me finally seeing the path, but change has to be made. Soon...very soon. I just hope when everything is said and done, it's all for the best and if nothing else, I can hold my head up and say I tried.

Well thanks for listening to me as you do so many times, even though it's on paper and we can't verbally speak anymore, I know you hear me.

Love,
Liz

My tattoo

2006-04-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have been saying, not on my blog so much, that I wanted to get a R.I.P Sam tattoo. Some people like em, some don't, but I like em. It's a picture I found online of a celtic angel , but somewhat altered. I like it, and the pic is sorta dark so it's hard to see it very well. When it is completely healed in about 5-7 days I'll take a new pic in good lighting and post it here

I hope Sam is watching me

2006-04-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile. I've been trying to get out more, socialize more and just trying to enjoy life.

Although I have had a blast with my friends the past few weekends, the topic of Sam always comes up. Sometimes I can just be sitting at the bar having a drink and someone will be talking to me about anything, then they say " you know Sam this "or "Sam would have ..." or "Sam was..." and then it seems like my mood fades somewhat.
I think about my brother at some point everyday, but at times , sometimes I want to just be Liz, not Sam's sister, not Little Sam, just Liz. Some people cannot seperate us as 2 seperate entities, 2 seperate people. I guess it can be hard though since we do share facial features, some mannerisms, and today someone was telling me that I have my brother's non-chalant straight to the point demeanor.
I have a strong personality, although I'm somewhat shy at first, but people seem to think I am defined by Sam and Sam only. He is and was a huge part of my life, but I do have other things besides him going on, like a son and a husband, friends etc.

Although this bothers me, I try to take the good from it, which is that He had such a strong presence and made such a lasting impression on the people he met that many of them still remember him. A lot of people come to the house and are glad we kept it because it reminds them of him and the times they had here with him, which also reminds me of my good times here and does make me a little happier.
The other day I wondered what would be going on in my life had this tragedy not happened. Would I be writing anything? Would I be where I am now? What path would my life have taken?
I can't answer those, but people have told me to look at the gift he left in his passing, the gift that I can write down feelings and sometimes strike a nerve, say exactly what someone is thinking but can't express. I guess his passing has caused me to share my ability to put feelings into words, put heartache into paragraphs and to put pain into an online journal.

I wish there was a way that I could have shared my writing without losing Sam. Some say when you die, it's your time, or some say when you die you have accomplished what god has set out for your life. Maybe Sam's purpose in life was to guide me to the point where I was old enough, smart enough and had enough self assurance to pursue the things I want regardless of the obstacles. I don't know if this is true, but I know that if I hadn't had Sam in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. he taught me a lot of things inadvertently and some things he taught me knowingly. I just hope that your watching me Sam.... Are you??

A dream

2006-03-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I woke up with pain in my stomach, not imagined but real physical pain. I went to the ER, they said it may be acid reflux, or an ulcer, but its pretty much gone now.

I mention this because I has a weird dream last night. I had a dream that I was at the Rendezvous where Sam worked, and I was there talking to him, just general chit chat. Then I flashed to 2 pictures I have downloaded on my comp, and I guess I went to that moment in time briefly, then I found myself watching Sam be shot, but I couldn't make out faces, how many people, just commotuon, Sam's voice then POP POP POP ... darkness.

I laid there for a moment thinking what the hell did I just dream?

I had another dream a while back that Sam came back after he was killed to say goodbye, he was talking to me, about to tell me what happened after reassuring me he was ok, then he walked off with Stacey then walked out of the bar and he was gone. I woke up crying, this was around the time of his funeral. i really don't like these dreams, they scare and confuse me, but in a way it makes me feel like Sam is trying to tell me something. A lot of people don't believe we are here in a spiritual form when we die, but I do, I believe in ghosts spirits all of that. And that dream last night just made me think what the hell is it your trying to say Sam?

A short poem

2006-03-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

This is a poem by Emily Dickinson. This poem has come to my mind a lot lately, I memorized it and recited at the ripe old age of 8 during a show at the end of my summer camp. My Mom still probably remembers it too, since she helped me learn it, but how has it stuck with me all this time? Take it for your own interpretation:

The soul unto itself

Is an imperial friend,—

Or the most agonizing spy

An enemy could send.

Secure against its own,

No treason it can fear;

Itself its sovereign, of itself

The soul should stand in awe

Quote for the day

2006-03-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

I'm going to take your advice Sam

2006-03-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about Sam a lot, and the talks we had, although our serious talks were usually blunt , few and far in between, most of them stuck with me.

I remember him saying to me before to "go for it". And I also remember another time he reassured me what a talented person I was.

Now thinking back on this, I think about all the writing I've done here, and it dawned on me that "Hey I can do this". So Now I may think about writing seriously.

Not sure about what, but maybe I should write about Sam. Not necessarily just him, but about losing him. About the feelings I've gone through and contine to. Of how things were for me and my family after losing him. Maybe it can help someone.

I also thought about support groups. There are many groups for the loss of a child, parent etc, and although some of them do include siblings , there are few that have many victims of homicide. Within that short list, i myself have yet to find a group that focuses most of its time and resources on the siblings of homicide victims.

I go to meetings at The State's Attorney's bereavement center, but even though I do get some small comfort from talking and listening there, it's all parents. I am the only sibling at these group meetings. I know I'm not the only one who has lost a sibling to murder. I know this.

So Sam, I'm going to take your advice and start pursuing some of my talents. It may not come to fruition imediately, but I will start working on it. I will start researching. I will start the legwork, and one day, it will become real.

Even if I do these things, they may not be successful, but at least i didn't waste my talent. If 1 person cares , is helped or if even 1 person listens, then it's not a waste.

So Sam, I know your watching, I just want you to keep watching. I'm doing this as much for you as i am for myself.

You may think you know, but you have no idea

2006-03-25T11:43:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been feeling that I need to say this at least for my own sanity and maybe to make clear to some people what this is about.

I started this blog several months ago with a readership of basicaaly none. I started it mainly because a friend who also has a blog told me it's a good way to get your feelings out. I did not start this to be known, and I didn't start it to be judged,

I started it because I was angry , upset frustrated and basically still a little lost after losing my brother, It was sometimes hard to talk to people because they weren't taking it as hard as I was, or maybe because they just simple couldn't relate or understand. I started writing so I could get the words out of my mind , a form of release. I never wrote to please anyone, let alone have them tell me what I feel, what I need to do or what I need in my life.

I started out sharing it with only close friends and some family. Then it got to be more people, then after the Sun article, I started to get people who have never met me , or Sam , or anyone I know leaving comments.

I have recently been told my words are full of anger and hatred. Well, maybe they're right, how else should I feel ? At some point, I'm sure my feelings of anger will subside somewhat, but for those people, let me tell you, anger is part of grief, and the grieving process is different for everyone. Some people get over it quickly, some, like myself, don't.

So then I'm told I need God in my life, or that I will turn off readers if I continue how I write. We'll those were comments from 2 different people. I must say i don't care if no one else ever reads again, because this isn't The Sun, I do it for my own personal release, my place to vent, my place to say what's on my mind. I do have God in my life, and I'm pretty sure if anyone knows me and what I'm going through, it's God. People claim to know all my thoughts because they have read " a few of my posts". Well, lets see... can you really sum up a person in several paragraphs and get the full image of them? No , you can't. Yes I put lots of my personal feelings here, but I also have other personal thoughts I don't discuss here, which means you are only getting part of me.

So in closing I ask anyone who reads this to realize it wasn't written for anyone but me when I started, and I do apologize if my words anger of offend, but I have that right. I'm not hurting anyone by doing it, I'm letting my anger out in one of the best ways possible. I could be doing any number of inappropriate things to get stuff of my mind, but I choose to write it on this blog.
I am happy that people actually read what I have to say, but the fact remains I wouldn't be saying most of this if my brother was still here, and yes that infuriates me at times, at others it makes me sad and depressed. All I ask that people respect what I feel and realize I'm human and yes, not perfect, with my own set of beliefs , and realize that in order to KNOW me, you'd actually have to meet me, learn all of my history, not just what is written here, meet my friends , spend time with my family, get to know what I like and dislike, then maybe then you could say that you know me, but until then you have no idea.

Who is really being punished

2006-03-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have been talking with friends and thinking to myself about this trial. I know that this person can get life in jail, or get a substantial amount of time, but is that justice? I do want this person behind bars, unhappy, with Sam on his mind every night until he dies, but who is suffering more???

Sam had to work for his house, his belongings, he didn't get a chance to fight when he was at gunpoint. And now that Mr Talyoe is in custody, I am starting to reflect on who suffers more. This huy came to court with fresh white tennis{sneakers} on, a crisp polo shirt, and clean jeans. Half of my friends noticed this as well.... we have spent time and money getting to court yet we can't afford new shoes and this creep has some??

Then I think about this: Who is going to be touched and emotionally bothered by this trial? Not him, I mean he wasn't disturbed enough to turn himself in, let alone not fight extradition, but I guess in a serious criminal matter most people wouldn't do those things. But look at the trial, Sam's family and friends have to view those gruesome photos, hear detailed accounts from the medical examiner, which I know I may not be able to sit and listen to in its entirety, I think it will strike a real nerve with me. It will hurt his family and friend to see Sam with bulletholes, it's not the way we want to remember him, I at least want to remember him joking around, laughing, telling me stories about funny stuff that happened to him. I want to remember the look he would give when I said something really stupid, he would look at me like " what the hell Liz?"

My famil, Sam's friends and myself are going to have to relive this whole thing over again, and maybe for nothing, he could be found not guilty by a jury. That would break my heart. Mr Taylor appeared to have some family and friends there at the arraignment as well, a few of whom{the friends, not family} seemed to think they could intimidate me by whispering things or staring at me in the hall while I was on the phone. We here in Baltimore are all too familiar with the "stop snitchin" phrase, but I wish I could wear a shirt saying "Start Snitchin" and stand in front of his friends so they can know I'm not scared of them. I refuse to be. I will show up for every court hearing if there was no one else in court except his supporters. Nothing on this earth short of my death could keep me out of that courtroom to represent my brother and show that he was somebody that had a loving family, that had friends who cared, that he wasn't just a "statistic" as some people classify most black men who die in Baltimore"

I don't know, maybe my family, friends and myself don't suffer as much as Mr. Taylor's, but they will always have 1 up on us no matter what, because their friend, son, brother, nephew is still HERE ...living breathing and able to see them in the flesh another day. Now that in and of itself to me is unfair, so if they are suffering, maybe they should go to him and tell him to tell the truth and diminish the suffering both sides have to be feeling.

You got the right One Now!!!

2006-03-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

Well last post was thank you, maybe this post should really be called " get off your fucking high horse, pull your thumb out of your ass" No it shouldn't because that wouldn't be me.

Now My thing is this:

Maybe I should remove the anonymous comment option, but then again, why??? people who are saying i have no right to complain and that I only became compassionate about this after Sam a.... YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME.

I have said , people in my life have been murdered before, i know what it's like when someone is here monday gone tuesday for no real reason.

I will say that, yes, any person with basic mental capacity can see, yes my brother would touch me more than any friend's death. yes I started this blog after his murder. Yes it's about him. Yes I feel more strongly now, who the hell wouldn't.

I just want to say that sending me an anonymous comment that " my brother is just another statistic" or that I shouldn't complain about police or whatever else I feel : This is my blog. My thoughts and opinions, my feelings. You can give me an editorial on how people in this city don't care, I already know. You can share your opinions, but when you put down what I feel and my thoughts what does that say about you???

What do you do that's so great?? I guess since you don't have a blog talking, or complaining as someone has said, you feel alright with what is happening here? maybe you feel because you sit in your house and not do or say anything your better? I don't know but check this out:

If you are just wanting to rile me up, you got the right woman here because I will not and never have backed off of how i feel or what I believe. I have more class than anyone who is scared to post their name or get a blogger account so people can respond to them. How scared can you be of an email?? My words don't dictate your life.

And ya know what I am taking away the anonymous part only because I have no respect for cowardice. The man who killed my brother is a fucking coward, and if you have the same bravery he has, I don't want to hear what you have to say unless you make yourself known. Now that is saying anything against all anonymous posters, just a select few. most who post anonymously do so to leave a kind word, but when you do it to tell someone their effort on the dead brother is basically not going to make a difference,... let me end that there.

and by posting an email you are still technically anonymous. I can't jump through the internet . So if you do finally post other than anonymous, come at me with respect, you can disagree, but don't disrespect or diminish my efforts or what I feel and believe.

Thank You

2006-03-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who have sent kind words and encouragement. And to all those who also felt that I shouldn't complain... your opinion and I'll say it again... If you don't like what your reading or can't deal with it, load a new page, hit the browser's back key"

Also, it is rather cowardly to insult how someone feels but leave them no way to contact you by posting anonymously.... I can disagree without degrading, so to that person please feel free to email me and tell me why you feel the way you do.

The arraignment day and Sun article

2006-03-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

Ok... !st let me say I was on my way to work today, spit up and am home now washing my coat so it gives me some time to talk about the arraignment. {Me and Sam as children to the left}

Well I didn't sleep the night before. Around 7am my friends{also Sam's}started to arrive, and a few had been here since they stayed overnight. I was feeling nervous for so many things... our tempers, my father, and the fact that it was finally here.
We left in 2 cabs around 820, got to court at 830. So we sat and waited, got some coffee and waited. I felt shaky and ill, but didn't tell anyone that, I had actually been vomiting the day before.

So I ended up pacing the hall for awhile and a few more friends showed up. I was happy because altogether we had 14 people, 15 If you count jennetic{Jen} who was lost since they changed the room and gave her just basic bad info on the courtroom{So sorry jen}.

I got called outside by Ms. Banks to speak for a few minutes. and when she called my name I think reality hit home ..... I was actually going to see this fucker.

So finally...court starts... They call a few cases, and I stepped into the hallway again to speak with someone yet again... I came back and, being a basic idiot to court etiquette, I walk across the very 1st row of benches and several incarcerated defendants were seated in front of that row seperated only by a small wooden gate.I am summoned by a CO who tells me I can't walk there, and who do I end up standing behind to turn around when summoned?? Ameer Taylor. How fucking ironic is that???

So I sit down then i look at the back of the heads of the defendants, and I swear on everything I love, I knew who it was when I looked. I asked a friend behind me and they shook their head, we could just feel it.

Now Mr. Taylor is being defended by Warren Brown {pictured with a previous client Donte Stokes}... All I can say is... If you can defend a murderer then you , in my eyes, have no heart, no soul and no moral standing. Yes someone has to do it, but I could never bring myself to represent scum that murder rape or kill. He probably has a direct line to Satan....

Ok back to the arraignment. So We are waiting for the case, and Mr taylor's lawyer disappears, then the case is called.... so they take him back and bring him out again, but this time I am seated when he walks out.... and I stare at him the whole time, as did the other people with me. He looked into my eyes for maybe 2 seconds, and I swear i have never felt that much anger or hate ever. He look to the side then looked down. I know he could feel the anger and disgust as 14 people stared at him while he shook his legs and played with his hands. Why be nervous now? Why? He obviously wasn't shaking when he killed Sam, so why have a conscience now? Why feel nervous now? Is he finally starting to have some sense of the magnitude of hurt he caused?

So finally his case is called and when they said a not guilty plea, I almost wanted to scream, but I didn't. I sat there and held back the tears. I don't want him to see my hurt, not now anyway.

I want to save it for when he gets convicted and sentenced, when I get to address the judge and explain to her how this has affected my life. There are so many things I can say. There are so many who feel the pain of losing Sam, he was the kind of guy who would give to his friends without ever asking, would be there when they needed him, who would be straightforward with you when you were going astray, he would be that person who everyone loved because he was easy going and just wanted to enjoy his life, he didn't like to fight. He would always try to talk to the person 1st, i've seen it firsthand and heard this numerous times, only when there was no other way would he try to fight you. Not because he was scared, but because he knew the shit was unneccessary.

So we finally left and My father and I went to speak with Ms. Banks about the case and the court process.

That's pretty much it for the arraignment , now onto the article in the Baltimore Sun.

I was contacted almost 2 weeks ago by Ms Julie Bykowicz, who was interested in doing a story about my blog about Sam. I met with her Monday, and met the photographer Wednesday after court. I think the story is pretty good. I went into the stpre to get a paper, looked through the maryland section and didn't see it. then I looked at the front page and there it was. I was kinda shocked something to do with lil ol' me made the front page of The Sun. So i read it as I was riding home to clean my coat, which I mentioned earlier I had vomited on {I must of looked lovely this morning} and I started to tear up, not because I made the paper, but it just made me think how surreal this all is at times. I never in life thought I would speak of Sam in the past tense, at least not at the age of 26{just turned yesterday}. Reading comments from Chuck and how other people feel about me, this tragedy, to get another perspective on it, I cried but it was a good cry. I went in another store and bought several more copies. So here is a link to the article. You can also go the The Baltimore Sun's webpage and check it out if not able to click the link embedded in the word article.

I cut on the computer while my coat was washing, and checked my email. I got a few emails from people I never met who actually care. It was a nice feeling. I got one from a woman who lost her husband, and another from a paralegal who wanted me to know people care. I haven't read them all yet.

Well. in closing , I will say that I hope that justice is served by the court system, but the ultimate justice will be served by God and by Mr. Taylor's conscience, because no matter what he does, or how he tries not to, he will think about Sam. He will think about his actions sitting in jail. He has nothing but time to make peace within himself, but after you kill in cold blood, can you ever be at peace with yourself? It's a wrong you can't right.

I got shit on my mind

2006-03-05T22:28:00.000-08:00

Its 130am and ZI'm still up. I've been thinking about a few things on and off all weekend. I feel myself getting frustrated, bills this case etc etc etc. But it seems that I've been through a lot, so it's not too much that can be thrown my way that I don't think I can handle.
One thing mainly bothering me is, of course, this court case and the upcoming arraignment. I am nervous anxious and even excited... not excited like you get when you find out you just won the lotto... just anxious of anticipation of what will happen. Will this guy go to jail? Will the case be handled properly? Will Sam, no will I get justice for Sam?
I can't answer those questions right now, and I don't like to have questions looming over me, can't stand it.
Also the garden. Ms Ellickson -Brown is sending me a new application, but I don't have much daylight time to get out there with work and all. But I will. I will have to.
Another thing is just questions that have been in my head regarding this blog. I check my stats maybe 2 or 3 times a week, out of curiousity, for who is reading. Lately, last week or 2, I've been getting a lot of hits from Virginia, where Mr Taylor is from. Maybe his friends? family? Maybe it's just my paranoia and it's just some random person who likes reading what I have to say. I will probably never know for sure. Also I got a weird email the other day asking me so whens the case and time? It was from someone I don't know online or offline, they didn't bother to give a name, just wanted info. maybe it was just a curious browser, but I didn't respond. That's why i didn't post the arraignment date. I was worried it might have been family or friends of this scum wanting to attend. But now that I think about it, why shouldn't they? He will need all the support he can get because Sam was loved. I have some great people supporting me throughout this, so I realized, hey what do i care? So.....

The Arraignment is March 15th 2005 930 am Courthouse East

want the room #? Step up and ask me , don't be shy. I would like his family there, I'd like to see who bred this person who has no regard for human life or the numerous lives they affected by doing this. I'd like to see them, maybe it'll give me some answers as to why this person choose to kill Sam, not the actual reason, but to see where they come from... was it from their upbringing, or was it learned say from friends society etc, because I NEVER learned at any time from friends or family that it was ever ok to kill, maybe a fight if all else failed, because after a fight you still live another day. You still live. You don't get brownie points for killing someone, not in my book. Maybe in the hood you can brag to your friends that you killed someone, but what person with a lick of common sense thinks it's cool to kill someone? What fucking idiot thinks it's ok to settle something with a gun.
I keep wondering what this guy has been thinking sitting in the jail waiting for trial. I bet he realizes, "Damn had I only thought with my brain instead of my ego. Maybe I'd be outside somewhere doing something besides asking people for commissary to buy oodles of noodles. maybe I wouldn't have to consider sardines oodles of noodles and tunafish fine dining. maybe I would be able to get a job that has possibilty of advancement and good pay, rather than working for a few dollars a day and no possibilty of a true career. Maybe I should have just got Sam jumped, then I might not be sitting here in this cell , locked in every night, having to take a shit with another guy 2 feet away from me, or having to smell that guys shit at 2 in the morning from 2 feet away.
Well I guess until the trial starts I wont have answers for many of these questions, and after its done I might not still. But I hope I do. I hope that their is some reason for Sam's death, a reason that will give me some piece of mind.
On a final note, If any of Mr Taylor's family would like to ask me something, if they read these blog, please feel free. I hold no animosity towards you directly, my feelings of anger and hurt are caused by him, not you. But I doubt if it's them that they will ever say so.

True Friends

2006-02-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, we all have friends. We have many people who we consider friends that don't treat us so great. A lot of us have had friends that made us say, damn do I really need enemies with friends like these?
We'll let me get to my point. I have a few friends, i know lots of people, but when I break it down to who has been there, the list is short. I have maybe 3 friends that support me, check on me and actually give a crap. But today I would like to talk about my best friend.
She is a friend in every sense of the word. We have been through a lot...good bad and the ugly. She supported me when I needed it. We fought and she still was my frind, even though I can be quite the bitch. She has always had an open ear to hear my problems. We have done everything from cut school and club together, to sharing pictures of our babies and getting our 1st real jobs. She lives in Pittsburgh, and I checked my email yesterday and had an email from her. She said she is coming down for the arraignment. She is going to take a 5hour bus ride to support me. I didn't ask but she is the kind of person that will be strong for you when you are feeling weak. I can't tell you how something like her coming here for the arraignment made me so happy in a time when I've been so sad and moody. It made me realize just how much of a friend she really is. I always talk about her to Larry, and tell him all the good times and bad we had, but this just made me appreciate her even more. So in closing I just wanted to say...Thank you Eshe for being the best friend I have. I love you like a sister anbd cannot explain how much your support and friendship through these years have meant to me. Thanks for being a true friend.

A little insght into Liz

2006-02-25T23:38:00.000-08:00

I have lived in 3 cities in my life, and I have seen a lot. I have had in my lifetime:
1 friend of mine and another friend of Sam's commit suicide{ one of his best friends in childhood and an ex boyfriend of mine}
1 ex boyfriend killed1 friend shot in the head while we were in the car together.
I have lived on what we call "the drug strip" with people selling crack, heroin and dope outside or on the side of my house, and there's nothing you can do but leave because the cops are either too busy with everything else or they just don't give a damn {usually the latter}
I lived in Philadelphia for the 1st 14 years of my life, I am 25 now. I saw a childhood friend and her mother go through domestic abuse.
I have also had a few personal experiences which I don't want to detail here but let's say I know how it feels to be at gunpoint, and I know how it feels to be in fear for my life and/or safety.
I have , in some people's opinions, lived through a lot, but believe it or not, I know people who have been through more and it amazes me to see other people's strength at rough times in their lives. Everyone said I was so strong during Sam's funeral and immediately after his death, but they don't know I didn't sleep well for a long time, I actually stayed up for the day before his wake, the day of the wake and the day of his funeral with I say, and I'm being generous, about 5 or 5 hours of sleep, but not continuous. I kept busy and buried my pain inside for the most part. On the day of the funeral I lost it. i ran from the house around the corner to where sam was killed{yes it is directly around the corner from where I live} and stood there crying for a good 15minutes.
I have seen lots of drugs, violence, death and grief in my lifetime, and a lot of people don't know why I feel so strongly about some things.
I had decent parents. They did all they could for us.
I can say there are things that have happened to me that most people wouldn't believe, and I have never told anyone, not even my parents or Sam about. Partly because i felt guilty and ashamed, partly because I just didn't want to and I may never.
So a lot of times when I have an opinion, I may not give all the details as to why, it may just seem as if "I feel like this just because", which may be true, but most of the time there is more to it that is personal to me that I don't really wanna relive and bring up.
I have never been rich. Yes as a teen I lived with my father and my stepmother for a few years, and they were well off, I got to go a lot of nice places, but for the majority of my life, I lived poor or just got by and not much more. I didn't go to college, hell I didn't finish high school , I got a GED in 2001, but don't get it fucked up and twisted, I got an 1120 the 1st time I took the SATS in 10th grade, had good grades when I was in school, I am not dumb, I am book smart, and I have street smarts as well. I have been on honor rolls, won academic contests, written articles, and more, but I usually don't tell people because once you say " I only have X amount of schooling{ I went all but 12th grade}" people sometimes treat you as if you aren't intelligent enough to make opinions or comment on things.
A lot of things I have gone through probably resulted from my own bad choices, but in retrospect, I have learned from them.
I don't know what else to say about me , but to sum me up I'd say I'm Liz, a intelligent young lady with 1 child, who has her own opinions and thoughts, who is trying to further her life, and who is respectful, kind, and always willing to learn something new.
I try to understand all points of view, I try to be accepting if I don't agree. I am human with faults, just like everyone else. I will make mistakes. I will fuck up at times.
Well there's some insight into me. Oh and yes, sometimes when I write , i tend to go on rants and jump from subject to subject. All i can say is, If you don't like what I have to say, hit the browser's back key or load a new page lol.

Love

2006-02-23T20:05:00.000-08:00

I find myself siiting here, 11:01 pm, posting pictures of my comp to myspace. I have been cropping and resizing for awhile now, and I'm still not done. It actually has gotten me a little reminiscent, actually I'm wiping tears. i keep looking at the pictures of me, of Sam, of our friend. There arent but maybe 10 pics there now, but it shows love. My love. Sam's love. "Our" love.
They make me remember and wish for happier times. This is the first time in awhile i've sat down and thought of Sam only, i think about him every day, but tonight I really just started to think after not thinking for awhile "He's gone. My brother, he's gone" No more arguments, no more jokes, partying on weekends, no more renting movies and getting drunk at his house, which is now my house, no more calls from big brother making sure I'm ok. No more late night trips to 7-11 for snacks of slurpees, sunflower seeds and whatever else we wanted. No more plans for a trip to Pittsburgh this year. No more trips for a "family" vacation...Sam, Stacey, Larry and I. I don't know how to feel right now. I'm sad and angry all at once. all over again.
When Sam first died, i kept thinking that somehow God was punishing me for something, I tried for days to figure out what, I prayed and asked, but I guess never got the answer. i went through the "what if" stage... Sam called me the night before he died and I told him, Oh yeah I'll be down friday, but he was gone thursday...what if I had come to see him that night? What if I had called him? What if?
people say " Oh don't beat yourself up" But how can you not do that? I feel helpless because no matter how much i write, how much I keep up on his case, how much I write letters to the City paper. no matter how much I do will ever bring back the life I once had. Nothing can bring back one of my best friends. No force on this earth can take back that day. No matter how much praying crying and actions I take will take away the hole in my heart, that missing link, the missing piece in my parents lives. nothing will give mY younger brother an older brother again. Nothing will give my son his "Uncle Sammy" back. Nothing can give him back their playtime when he would pretend to wrestle him or tickle him to death.
All I wish for now is some peace of mind, which I hope I will get, but maybe God is going to put me through another trial with the "trial". I'm anxious and nervous all at the same time. i don't know if I should cry{too late already am}, if i should scream, yell or just go out in the streets in a rage. I sometimes feel a lack of direction which Sam would help me with.
Well enough for now. I need to sleep because I am still living, have a job to go to, bills to pay , and a brother to miss. if anyone has pics of themselves, Sam etc feel free to email them to me as I want my online slide show to show everyone that has and is supporting me, all my friends, whether from online or offline.

Ok here's the link for my myspace profile. just look on the right hand side under about me and the slide show shoudl start in a few seconds{unless you use dial up and then you may wait awhile}

http://www.myspace.com/liz31680

My thoughts on The Death Penalty and more

2006-02-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

I have been visiting 2 blogs quite often over the last few weeks, MeetVernon and Glenn Reiner's blog . MeetVernon is about Vernon Lee Evans, Maryland death row inmate who recently received a stay of execution. It posts responses to emails received at the site, which are forwarded to him, he replies to, and then they post the answers. Lately It has become a battling ground for, what I consider{ most of them anyway} people who think they are always right and refuse to accept the idea of differing opinions. Mr Reiner's blog is more friendly, except for the comment section, where the commenters from Meetvernon have gathered and continued to feel like differing opinions are against some unwritten law. Mr Reiner is very easy to talk to, I have shared emails with him several times, but the commenters on his blog aren't as "respectful and understanding" as he is. He is one of the few people I have conversed with online that doesn't share my opinions on the death penalty who haven't been mean degrading or just downright childish. Enough about this.
My opinion on the death penalty: I support it, not to say every case deserves this penalty, but I am not a judge or juror so It's not my decision. Now In some cases it may be wrong when there is reasonable doubt, but in cases where there is a confession, or overwhelming evidence, and it meets all other criteria, it should be an option.
A lot of people on those sites think its only because of Sam's murder that I believe or feel this way. Think again.
Let's be real here: Sam was Black, although mixed{black and white actually, in the eyes of society at large, he is/was black. His murderer was black. This is a "black on black" crime, so I have very very very almost no reasonable expectation of the death penalty in this case. I'm realistic, what I do hope for is that he spends his life in prison, or so much of it that when he gets out he is too old and feeble and out of though with the world to enjoy what life he has left.
I wish I could take some of the anti death penalty people into my life, the neighborhoods I've lived in, and show them life from my perspective. And Sam is not the 1st person I've known who has been murdered, although the 1st family member.
Ya know what , I'm getting off this subject for now. I am calling the State's Attorney tomorrow for the arraignment date, hopefully she will have it for me..... When I get it I will be calling and or emailing all who have said they want to know. If you prefer a call instead of email, drop me your number {no prank calls I promise lol}. Also when I do get the date, after the actual arraignment, I was going to try and plan a little get together, maybe at Molly's? {If your reading Martha : ) } have a few cold ones, some snacks and celebrate the passing of the 1st major hurdle in justice for Sam. Well enough for me, I got dinner to make, emails to write, and thoughts to sort out.

INDICTMENT!!!

2006-02-15T17:25:00.000-08:00

Ok , some more info on the case. Today I spoke again with Ms. Lisa Goldberg and found out that Mr. Taylor has been indicted, although in my relief that i got such a speedy callback I failed to ask on what charges he was indicted, but I know the main one of murder, I believe it will be 1st degree, but I wonder what others. He was actually indicted today. As far as the arraignment, she is expecting Mid to late March, but said she will have a date for me this time next week, since when I spoke with her she had just come into her office from his indictment. It's good to know some progress is being made. Again, anyone who wants to attend the arraignment please let me know. Me and Larry were thinking of getting some shirts for everyone made if people want to chip in that say "We Love You Sam" or " We Miss You Sam" , not sure if wearing those would be problematic, but I don't see why they should, I mean, they allow people to wear worse and it's not at all intimidating or threatening. As far as the shirts, I want his picture on them, and If anyone would like 1, the more we buy, the cheaper they are... I asked in the summer about shirts and a lady said if I get 10 they are $12 a piece, 20 or more would drop it to 10 a piece, so I myself would be buying 5-6 {Myself, larry, My son, younger brother, father, and 1 to have as a memento}. Also again please remind me if you'd like to attend the arraignment, as I won't post the date on this blog, since I have been getting many VA hits lately, although it may be nothing, I don't want anyone who knows him there to support him in any way really, plus I don't want strangers popping up...so drop me an email , I'll compile a list and email all of you the date time and place. Well I'm off to watch tv with Larry and be happy that progress is being made.

In the City Paper...again : )

2006-02-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

Ok this is my 3rd letter to be published in City Paper. I will put links to all my letters below:

My recent letter {3rd letter on the page "More on Murders' Cost}}

My letter from this summer {3rd letter "The City that Needs"}

My letter about Dexter Hill, who was murdered by a police officer.{ 2nd letter under heading "Dexter Hill Divide"
My letter about Dexter Hill, who was murdered by a police officer. Hopefully these links will work as I tried to put 2 of them up before and it linked to some nasty stuff. Well, any comments feel free to leave em.

Update "Sam's case"

2006-02-01T17:51:00.000-08:00

Well some progress today, although very little. I talked again w/Ms Goldberg at the State's Attorney's office. Basically this is where we are: Mr Taylor will be indicted in the next 2 weeks{ they are hoping sometime next week possibly}. She cant say for sure yet, but gave me an estimate of early March for the arraignment, which for me is like d-day before the real d-day, which would be the trial. I am anxious for the arraignment. My curiousity wants to see him, see if he looks remorseful, see if he is an arrogant ass, just see his demeanor in general. I also want to see who will show up to support him, as well as who shows to support Sam. So if anyone wants to attend the arraignment, please email me and let me know via an email saying so with your email address or post here with some way to get in touch with you like a webpage or something{please no personal #'s addresses on the blog, there are psycho's out there}. With that said It's just a waiting game now, so I'll wait as long as I have to, but hopefully when all is said and done, he will get what he deserves.

Help me make sense of this!

2006-01-31T18:45:00.000-08:00

Vernon Lee Evans has a blog. He has a website. Now his clemency video http://www.savevernonevans.org/ClemencyVideo.html is on the website. I understand when someone is sentenced to death, they have a right to appeal, but why in the fucking world do so many people rally to save them? WHY?!
The clemency video talks about how much he has changed and how he is a better person... I would be too after 20+ years of appeals, with nothing but time to do anything but improve, I mean c'mon, how could you not do something good with 20 years in jail? I know not everyone does, but a person fighting their execution damn sure will to try to make themselves look like they are a "good" person.
What ticks me off the most is how many people rally around this guy and say " We are with you, we support you, you deserve your life, you deserve to be heard". I wish these anti-death penalty would rally around every time someone is being killed and tell the killer "hey death is wrong, don't do that" or why are they not rallying around the murder victim{s} families, offering them unwaivering support. Seems like they forget who the real victim{s} are. Of course, the person killed is the victim, but their family and friends are victims as well, they have lost something that no deed, no matter how good, can bring back, no apology can ever make up for. They must not realize that WE, damnit. I need advocates to rally around and say " we are here and will fight for your brother". My parents could use that, shit even his friends can.
This is just ass backwards to me. A lot of people say killing them wont change anything, and that eye for an eye is not the answer, well maybe it isn't. But who can rationally tell me that the best thing is for a killer to spend his life in jail? That means they still see their family, they still get to watch tv, they still can talk to people, and all at our cost. And why in the hell do death row inmates get soooooo many appeals? 20+ years? How many damn reasons can you find , how many technicalities are these lawyers going to dig up? " Oh they misspelled lethal, that should give us a =nother 6 months. I know that's a bit simplistic, but really we have been keeping this man alive for 20plus years, we are, in effect, paying for his blog because we are the ones online, paying for internet access, and some anti death penalty woman decides, hey let's give him a venue, let's make him more important than the victim. It's making me mad, pissed really. I hope and pray when Samn's murder trial comes up, his killer isn't given 15 minutes of fame, and I hope if he did receive the death penalty{highly unlikely} that myself and my family don't have to wait decades for the punishment to be carried out. Don't these people realize that is making the family suffer again every time he's on the news, every time they grant an appeal?
I'm sure his family is suffering, but they shouldn't blame the system, they should blame him because he made the choices that put him there. Watching the video they talk about him being abused as a child, physically and sexually. I am sorry anyone would have to go through that, but nonetheless, many people experience those unfortunate things and do not turn to crime or drugs. it's called choices, and all choices have consequences. I'm just really ticked off so I'll end here. Hopefully I'll have some news on Sam to post soon. So goodnight all, and Sam: "Wherever your spirit is resting, I know you can see this, and I want you to know I love you and you will always be with me, you will not dim in my mind, but rather stay bright, because even after everyone else forgets about you, I won't. I love you big bro"

"I Aint Mad at Cha"

2006-01-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

"I was waitin for a nigga to jump,
see I was patient but was ready to duck
Cuz you my brother chump ...
But every family aint filled wit gangstas that's real
And that's real and
I would never turn my back or turn ya down
Even if you turned around muthafucka
But history is history
I miss you and I know you missin me ..."

This is an excerpt from a song by Lil Wayne called "I Miss My Dawgs". This song always makes me think about Sam, because no matter if we were close or far apart, whether we agreed or not, he always supported me and told me the truth whether I liked it or not. It's like I said in one of my earlier posts, lyrics in songs now have taken on a meaning they never had to me before. A song that I may have listened to because I liked the beat or the artist, now I listen to the words and they take on a special meaning, sometimes the whole song, sometimes only a line. So this post will be excerpts from songs that have made me remember Sam, the good times and the bad, because memories are all that's left now, anyone who knows a song that reminds them of Sam, or that reminds them of someone they lost, feel free to forward them to me:

" When you leftI lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please, 'cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean onWhen times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place There ain't nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together
I can't sleep at nightWhen you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radioSinging to me'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dialTrying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
"I only think of you"And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my elementI
'm throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure outWhere the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of whatI'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you
back in my life baby" Mariah carey "We belong together" I listened to this song for weeks after Sam's funeral and I still get teary eyed when I hear it.

"....In that gangsta lean
Why'd you have to go so soon?
It seems like yesterday we were hangingRound the hood
Now I'm gonna keep your memory alive
Like a homie should
A lifetime of memories
Going down the drain
I'd like to keep stepping
But I can't get past the pain" D.R.S "Gangsta Lean"

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah,
Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah,
Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a..." Green Day "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" Seems to fit my mind state , especially around the time when everything happened.

In interest of not making this post super long I'll stop here.

2006-01-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

Hey I just put up some links to some good sites that can help you get through the loss of a loved one. I have participated in chat on 2 of them, and I am considering getting a memorial site on Beloved Hearts{trying to figure out if I'm going to spend the $25 for something that may never be seen by anyone but me}, so please take the time to check em out

WHAT THE FUCK??!!

2006-01-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

Ok, there is a man named Vernon Lee Evans, who is on Maryland's death row, and some " anti death penalty people" have started a blog for him in which people can email them questions and comments, and in turn, they mail them to him and he answers them. I wrote an email to them. I'm posting the link to his blog as well as a copy of what I wrote. Geez, what will they think of next. Please someone tell me if what i wrote is wrong. Ok here's the link

http://meetvernon.blogspot.com

Ok and here's my letter:

To Mr. Evans,

I guess this email won't go directly to you, but rather through a third party, so if it doesn’t reach you I understand. I have a blog also {lizpointofview.blogspot.com}. I also had my brother murdered June 2nd , 2005 a block from his home , coming home from work, because some guy couldn’t suck down being beaten up a year earlier.
Maybe you commited this crime, maybe you didn't, ony yourself and god, and the murdered people{rest their souls} know the truth. My question is this: Do you feel someone who has definetely killed in cold blood deserves the death penalty? Do you feel they should enjoy life, something they took away from another, because some people feel its inhumane? How about their victims, I;m sure most, if not all , didn't die in a humane manner, surrounded by love and caring at their bedside.
I know that the man who killed my brother, in my opinion, should not enjoy another moment, another breathe. Some may feel this is wrong, but I don't. If you are adult enough to take life, be adult enough to lose yours, I say.
I would like to know how you feel about the truly guilty on death row, and if their punishment is just. In reviewing this over and over in my mind I keep coming to the same question, maybe you can answer: "What 1 reason can anyone give { legitimate } as to why a murderer, unless it was to preserve their own life or maybe their children's, deserve to keep living and having the things their victim can never have again?" Many people will probably give an argument leaning towards God wouldn't want that and "thou shall not kill", but if they say that, um hello, the person they are trying to save broke the "thou shall not kill " commandment, so how can someone be defended by something they obviously don't believe or respect themselves?
I don't know what else to say here, but I do know I'm not sure what I believe in your case... You could be using the "gift of gab" that so many develop while incarcerated to make people feel your innocent, or you may truly be.Maybe the people mailing you my letter will also include some paper copies of some of my posts , so you can get a perspective from the victims side, well the victims family anyway. In closing I hope I receive a reply to my questions.

Sincerely,
Elizabeth Richardson

Why are you so interested???

2006-01-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

I recently put site meter on this page, actually last night, curious to see who has been viewing my page. Ok well not exactly who, it tells you their isp, and the city,state the visitor is from, time and length of visit. I expected mostly baltimore, which it was but I also had 1 from NJ, 1 from Brooklyn, NY, but more interestingly several from....Vienna, Va... which is in Fairfax County, which is where Mr. Taylor{read previous posts if ya don't know who he is} is from. Its been accessed from Va about 6 times in last 24hours, so my question is this: WHOEVER it may be from VA, why not leave a comment, you obviously coe here often? Why do you happen to be from the same place as Mr. Taylor? Are you a friend or family member of his?
Well I'm not really expecting a response, because he was cowardly for what he did to my brother, so I can't imagine his friends/family are any more adult-like, seeing as how you learn from example. Maybe its someone who just heard about the case, maybe a long ago friend of Sam's...either way I am just curious why this person in VA is interested in me?Maybe its just a B-more person in Va, but I dunno, guess only time and research can tell.

Baltimore Sucks A Big One

2006-01-25T15:13:00.000-08:00

I know not such a nice title , but lately{ even though this feeling has passed through me many times since I have come back several years ago} I have been thinking how depressing, uninspiring and just plain ridiculous, among other things, this city can be at times.
Not every thing here is bad, but hey in a city where more people have been murdered than we have had days in 2006, how happy a place can it be. It's like we're stuck inside some 3rd person shooter game come to life. Not to mention the under-education, under motivation and downright under-developed people we call our citizens. This place needs help, not that other places don't, but Baltimore for the last year has brought me a shitload of grief, depression, anxiety, bad dreams and just bad shit period.
I just needed to get this out , been feeling a wee bit shitty this week, physically and mentally. The one good thing about Baltimore I can say is the bloggers are pretty cool and I have met some nice people with intelligence and some funny and sometimes thought provoking things to say. I also would like to say thanks to everyone whose left me encouraging and positive comments. That's it for now since I don't have much to update on Sam's case, but when I do you'll be the 1st people to know.

January 15th, 2006

2006-01-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

Well I must say that progress in the case is slow, but by looking online I have found out that Mr Taylor had his hearing in the 12th for extradition( I wrote in an earlier post it was the 5th, i was a little confused and just out of it that day}, and the conclusion is extradition waived, which basically means either he waived his rights or they ruled against him. Doesn't really matter because either way he's on his way or may already be in Maryland. So I guess Tuesday I'll start phone tag with the Da's office to find out if they can inform me of anything else. Too much for me right now, wish i had 2 brains and 2 sets of nerves, because like they say, when it rains it pours.
So besides this on my mind, my father calls me about 930 friday evening and says "Liz I can't breathe" I tell him to call an ambulance, then i hang up and call also while dressing, and run from 26th and Hampden to 26th and St. Paul.... I ran most of the way, walking sometimes to catch my breath. So he's in the hospital now, although doing better. According to the doctor, he had some fluid in his lungs as well as his body retaining extra fluid(he did look mighty swollen} and they were giving him this stuff to help get it out. Enough about that, the important thing is he's doing better.
It seems like my 2006 is starting off miserably. I said this year could not be as stressful or unhappy as last year. Now it seems like maybe that statement has jinxed me into a year of depressing episode after depressing episode. Well I know I'll get through, even though I'm tired and worn out. I am not even going to the hospital today.... I hate hospitals and I hate to see people there, but I will call. Maybe something good will happen this week to help balance things out. Maybe not.
Well with Dad on the road to recovery I will turn more attention back to this case and get my fingers ready for numerous calls , number writing and being passed around. Guess it's time the State's Attorney's office is graced with my presence, over and over again. Hey I don't mind, because if it were me, Sam would do the same and probably more.

Rest In Peace Carolyn

2006-01-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

Today I found out that a friend, well i should say close acquaintance, Carolyn Sprague passed away. From what I've heard she fell down her steps a few days before , a neighbor helped her into her apartment... then after not seeing her for a few days a friend went by and found her dead in her apartment. She was a regular at the Rendezvous.
Carolyn was not my closest friend, but I do wish her well and hope she is with Sam in a better place. It seems that not much besides grief and misery have been prevailing the last 6 months or so at the Vue, maybe it's a sign... from God, from Sam, from someone, but I've come to the conclusion that not much joy or happiness is there anymore since Sam is gone. Well anyhow, Rest In Peace Carolyn, please watch over us, you are missed by us all.

Untitled

2006-01-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to call this post. So I'll call it untitled.

I find myself wondering what I am meant to do. Besides work, pay bills and die, what am I here for, do I have a greater meaning than what I can see on the surface? Is my life just a miniscule part of God's plan, or am I a , I guess you could say, a starring role? If I were to die today, would I be remembered by many, or forgotten by many? Would I have made a difference to many, or anyone at all? Am I making a difference at all? I don't see myself impacting anyone in a major way, but maybe it's not for me to see.
Thinking about Sam, I saw at his funeral that he was remembered by many, but what impact did he really have on them? Did he change their lives? I don't know, it's hard to say since so many fell off the face of the earth after his funeral. So does that mean he is actually remembered by the few and not the many? So many people told me good things he did for them, but what in the hell does that really matter if no one cares about it later, or is thankful for it once your in the ground and turning to dust? I guess I have just been feeling like a lot of people have left Sam's memory to dissolve. So many claimed to be friends, but where are they now? So many claimed to want to help, But where are they now? When I have asked for help , or just started rambling because I needed someone to listen, where were these so called friends?
I can count on my fingers with a few to spare out of the 200 people who showed at the funeral who is still around and is actually and really willing to help. Ok. That's enough. I think I'm having a moment, I'm feeling kind of pissed off because no one seems to care but me at times, and it pisses me off.
So in ending, I guess that if Sam asked that question he could say yes he made a difference to at least 1 person, which is me. He has made a difference in my life. His life has made me be grateful for the time he gave me and the advice and experience he shared, and his death has made me thankful for those times and grateful for what little time I have here with my remaining friends and family. He helped me be a more optimistic person. But I am struggling with the optimism now, with the trial approaching, because no matter how optimistic I am, I still find myself doubting justice, I feel like God may take an eye off me for a split second and everything will go wrong.
I guess all I can do is pray it works out and try to remain optimistic and be happy

Clean at last Clean at last, thank the city almighty, it's clean at last!!

2006-01-04T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yes I ripped MLK's famous line a bit, but I'm happy. Today coming home I noticed that the corner of 26th and Miles is CLEAN... no more Christmas trees, no more living room furniture, no pile of garbage bags, its....trash free.
Now if it can stay that way(hey i can dream}, the garden will be even better. And speaking of memorials, I am getting Sam's name tattooed on my arm soon, was thinking of having a tattoo party, but it wouldnt benefit me unless i had at least 4 other people besides the 2 i already have getting tattoos. Anyone in need of a good tat? Let me know. But anyway Mr. taylor is still in VA, and tomorrow is an extradition hearing, he can either be sent here or get another postponement. It's ironic how it can take someone less than a minute to decide to commit a crime but they get months and months to plan how to get out of it and explain it Well hopefully tomorrow I'll have some info to update... hopefully he will be shackled on his way to one of our citty's best accomodations...Central Booking.

I gotta make this page cry

2005-12-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

I was listening to Jay-Z's song cry and it just made me sad, but it hit home. It's like a said a few posts back songs that may be meant to mean or be about something else can take on a whole new meaning for someone else. Like this song certain lines stick out , make my eyes water, my foot tap and make my heart get that burning pain that could be heartburn but its not, its the pain I have to carry every day, just like a heavy bag, its ok at times and at others it feels like you couldnt move forward another inch. Ill just take blurbs from the song and put them here, maybe you'll feel the same way i did, for Sam or maybe someone you cared about. Its like Jay-Z said " I can't see em comin down my eyes, so I gotta make this song cry" Thats what this blog does for me, it lets me cry when i can't physically or when I don't want to... I'm making the page cry so to speak....." but once a good girls gone bad, she's gone forever... I mourn forever"... this line makes me feel like I was not perfect, but a good girl so to speak, no real troubles, but now that Sam's gone, that is leaving me ... I'm becoming colder harsher meaner ... the old Liz is gone forever ... I mourn for her almost as much as I mourn for Sam .
This is my 3rd post today. Sam has been on my mind though i havent really said anything to anyone about it. I found a online support group for families of loved ones who passed away... mostly siblings and parents. It is helping, feels good to hear from people living through and have been living through what I'm feeling. Some of you may read this or have read this blog before and thought not much about Sam. Occassionally i talk about him directly, but mostly about my feelings about him and how he died. Like I said before its a form of therapy for me. Tuesday I;m going to the bereavement center to a support group meeting. I'm a little scared but i think its high time Itry to get some perspective and even encouragement from people who wont judge me and don't know me, they just know I'm in pain and they understand because they have the same pain. Well emough for now, time to try and sleep .

Some advice for Mr. Taylor

2005-12-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

Here's some useful things for Mr. Taylor while in jail:

1: He cn go to www.prisonbitchname.com and find out what his name will be in jail.. I did andi got a good laugh

2: List of things prison guards don't like:

Things that Prison Guards hate...
1) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.
2) Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
3) Coming up with one too many during a head count.
4) Having to break up a fight in the shower.
6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
7) The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
8) Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks way too familiar.
9) Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex offender.
10) Learning that your baby's mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.

Not funny for him but it's funny as hell to me, and I definetely needed the laugh

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

{If anyone can identify that white stuff in the middle please let me know... grits? porridge? humble pie? I don't know}

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! And Merry christmas Ameer Taylor, hope your dinner is as appetizing as the one above, and I wish you many more like this!

Prophecy in a fortune cookie

2005-12-22T19:23:00.000-08:00

It's funny how something that would normally mean nothing can mean something more. For instance, tonight we ordered Chinese food, and as i was doing my last email check for the night{ I get like 20-30 a day and thats not counting junk mail} I opened a fortune cookie which said " people who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them" This made me think of Sam. It's like this:
Sam accomplished his main thing he wanted to do, which was to get closer with his family and have a stable life. He did that. For those that don't know him too well, in Sam's earlier life he could be a fucker. he had been locked up. he had robber, lied and stole. But in the last few years he changed . DRAMATICALLY.
Sam went from being on the run to having a house of his own, friends , a steady job, and becoming responsible, a man I guess you could say. I have to admit that at times in the past he could be an ass. I remember summer of 2002 Sam coming home from being incarcerated , and my father and I talking saying we hope he had learned his lesson and changed. I remember thinking " how long will he go the right path... shit will he take the right path. not to say I'm perfect, because I've done more than my fair share of fucking up, but never been in jail. Never had to go through some of the things he did.
So he got a job. And kept it. I was proud. yeah , I know proud of a grown man keeping a job, but I knew what he'd been through and I knew this was a step in the right direction. Then he got a girlfriend. A steady one, not a run by night flunkie he could use and abuse and we could sit around and talk trash about. The reason this fortune made me think of this was Sam got it right late, but he was happy, even more happy than we{ family} were. He was happier than the ones who had to wait for this late awakening were.
Sitting here thinking of this brought water to my eyes, so I took a deep breath and signed in to blogger and typed this to get it out and off my chest. You see this blog has been my way of expressing some of the things I don't necessarily chat about with co-workers or even family and friends every day. i can put my thoughts here and who the hell cares if anyone is listening. I sure don't . I know some are and I am grateful for that, but the main reason I started this was because I needed an outlet to express what I had been feeling about this tragedy. Also because I had been told that I can put my thoughts into words well. The header at the top says I decided to take my writing up more seriously, which I have, but this isn't exactly like my resume, but it's a place i can express myself in writing. A place that i can write what I'm feeling about this no matter if it's good or bad. It's my therapy of sorts. It helps me relieve some of the stress.
With that said I'm gonna finish reading my emails and head off to bed, hopefully I will get some sleep. I guess Merry Christmas has come, because although for me this will never be over, I can see closure in the future with the pending trial. That will be the piece that will let Sam rest in peace. It will be the peace that will allow for healing to truly occur. GODDAMN YOU AMEER TAYLOR, I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL. I HOPE YOU ARE HAUNTED BY SAM TIL YOUR LAST BREATH. I HOPE THE HELL YOU HAVE CAUSE MYSELF AND MY FAMILY RETURNS TO YOU IN A WAY I CANNOT PUT INTO WORDS. I HOPE YOUR CHILDREN GROW UP TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT A MAN, BUT A STUPID EGOTISTICAL BOY WHO SPENT MOST (IF NOT ALL}OF HIS ADULT LIFE IN JAIL . I HOPE THAT EVERY YEAR ON JUNE 2ND YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES OF SAM AND WHAT YOU DID. AND IF INSIDE YOU 1 DAY YOU EVER FEEL SORRY IT WILL NEVER MEAN SHIT TO ME BECAUSE NOTHING YOU CAN ENDURE, NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO WILL EVER MAKE YOU WORTHY OF ANY RESPECT , NOTHING WILL EVER MAKE YOU FIT TO WALK THIS EARTH FREELY AND ENJOY LIFE IN MY EYES. I HATE YOU.
I have never really "hated" someone before, yeah i dislike people, co-workers, neighbor's etc... but hate is to the heart . If this bastard was dying and I had water I would not give him any even if it meant I spent my afterlife rotting in eternal hell.
Ok...goodnight all, and please pray for justice for Sam and some smalll piece of piece of mind for us he left behind.

More info...

2005-12-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

Ok ... I had been trying for a few days to contact Ms. Lisa Goldberg of the State's Attorney's office and decided "hey why not call good ol VA and see what they can tell me. So I did. I spoke to a courts clerk who told Me that Mr Taylor is scheduled for a hearing for extradition on Jan 12th at 930am. O.k I said I'm there with cow bells on and disgust in my eyes, rage in my heart. Then after so many days of talking to the nice clerk at the State's attorney's office who said" I'm just the messenger" i got a call back from Ms. Goldberg. She told me that he will be in maryland's custody before Jan 12th because she{ or someone from the State's Attorney's office} would be going there for a hearing and he would be extradited before then. then she also informed me the 1st hearing anyone will be allowed to go to would be the part, for lack of the proper term, where his charges are formally read, and that probably wont be until March.
So for right now I will wait until jan 11th and if I call Virginia and he's still in their custody I will be going by plane train bus or foot if necessary to his hearing so he can see my face and know I'm not letting this go so easy, and that he will also be seeing my face a lot for the next few months... at every hearing I'm allowed to attend, every day of the trial, and his sentencing. I want my face to haunt his sleep. But I will update before jan 12th again if any new info trickles in that's worth reading.
if by any chance he's not here by jan 12th, anyone who would like to go to this hearing with me please contact me via email and we can set up something. I already know that my husband and Jessica, one of Sam's oldest friends, are ready to take the trip to Fairfax. So like my boy Brian on Half Baked said" Who's coming with me maaaan?! Come on...who's comin?" {yes Half Baked is 1 of the stupidest movies ever but I love it and I needed some humor right about now : )}

Update on Sam's case

2005-12-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

O.k I got an email today from Det. Cherry who was the head detective on Sam's case. I sent him an email this weekend thanking him for his work and diligence on not letting Sam's case slip through the cracks. He replied and let me know the following:

1}Lisa Goldberg from the State's Attorney's office is now handling the case, although it may at some time in the future be passed on to another State's attorney{ He said he would keep me informed}
2} Ameer Taylor is now fighting his extradition from Virginia to Maryland, so he will probably not be arraigned {when he pleads guilty or not guilty and is given a trial date} until early 2006.

Also i called the State's Attorney's office today and they advised me to call at the end of the week to see if an arraignment date has been set up yet. I was also advised to contact V.I.N.E and the Bereavement center so they can both keep me up to date with court dates, future parole hearings, etc. I am going to a group meeting at the Bereavement center next week to get some insight from some people who have been or are going through this same thing. I went once in the summer and the lady i spoke with was very understanding and considerate, just what I needed at the moment.

So If anyone cares to go to the arraignment with me, wants to attend the trial, or just plain wants to call the State's Attorney and push for action with me to show Sam was not another nameless, faceless crime victim and that he has family and friends who are hell bent on justice for him, please let me know. I'll get you the #'s, court dates, anything I can do to help you help put this fool behind bars for as long as possible.

That's it for now , I just ask that everyone pray to whoever or whatever they believe in for justice for Sam... "Wherever you are Sam, I will never forget you and I will keep fighting for you"

So now what?

2005-12-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

Well they caught the bastard that killed Sam, so now what? Well 1st will be the preliminary hearing where he pleads guilty or not guilty, then the actual trial. But really...what now? I am happy that this fool is behind bars without bail, but after everything is said and done, the best case scenario would be if this guy spends life in jail. He will still get to wake up to see another day, he'll still be able to see his family and friends if they visit him, he'll still be living breathing , he'll be alive, something Sam won't ever do again. his parents can still hear his voice and see his face, mine can't do that anymore. he'll still be able to see his children{if he has any} or nieces and nephews grow up, maybe not face to face but at least through letters and pictures... do you think Sam will get to see his nephew or even hear about him going on his 1st date or graduating?
I got the call yesterday at work, and I swear I thought it was me hearing wrong. Then I stopped at the Rendezvous and everyone there had nothing but hugs and congratulations for me. Through it all, I notified any and everyone I could by any means I could to pass along this great development. But last night and today at work, I kept thinking"What if this asshole gets away with this?""What if they give him a ridiculous sentence and he still gets to enjoy some part of the rest of his life. "
I have to admit I prayed for this since day 1, but it is funny how things work out, because about 2 weeks ago the detective called and needed some info on Sam's girlfriend's whereabouts. I told him what I knew and that night and the next I prayed that this guy would be caught by Christmas. I got my wish.
I don't know whether to feel excited or cry my eyes out or be worried to death about the trial.
We'll I don't have much else to share right now but I want to thank everyone who called and /or emailed with words of support and encouragement. To my family and friends, we have to stay strong because this will be another test on us, and I will and do need the emotional support from everyone to help me get through this without going insane. And although I know that Ameer Taylor can't see this in his cell, but if a friend of his happens to stumble upon this, all I want to say is

"Is there anything so serious in this world that could justify him taking my brother's life. He has gained nothing and has done nothing but hurt us, and now his own family and friends. Sam would never hurt someone just to do it, he'd never fight you unless it was necessary and the situation couldn't be talked out or dismissed. But you{Ameer} felt the need to show how"hard" or boost your ego by taking the life of someone who changed his life for the better. I hope that every night you go to sleep you see his face and are haunted until your death for the pain and grief you have caused, I hope that when your time comes you are alone and cold, with no one to care for you, and I hope that your children grow up to know what type of person their father really was" A stupid low down murdering fool who rotted away in a jail cell over something stupid, instead of spending his life with his family. And if you never spend one day in jail, when I cross to the other side and my time on earth is done, I pray I get to be at the gates when you pass on to ask you where you think you should spend eternity"

The only other thing that sucks is this fool has the same name as my son, spelled the same.

THEY CAUGHT THIS BASTARD

2005-12-13T16:51:00.000-08:00

They caught the bastard that shot Sam. You can read it in todays Baltimore Sun Police Blotter.

THIS HAS MADE IT A GOOD CHRISTMAS ...only thing to make it better would be if Sam was here.

Makes Me Think

2005-12-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy working I haven't really been online too much until tonight. I was thinking earlier, while Larry was playing a Eminem song I heard yesterday for the 1st time, that a lot of songs that didn't mean crap to me before take on a whole new meaning to me now. A song may be meant for a past lover friend etc by the artist, but 100 other people can take it and relate it to their mother, brother, sister, child etc. Take the lyrics from this song ...: " Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?When they know they're your heartAnd you know you were their armourAnd you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'emBut what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?...... And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mournRejoice every time you hear the sound of my voiceJust know that I'm looking down on you smilingAnd I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no painJust smile back......I look up, it's just me standing in the mirrorThese fuckin' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'emThey're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonightNow go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too lateAnd just as I go to walk out of my bedroom doorIt's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is onAnd I'm singing..."
Now I'm not a huge Eminem fan, but when i listened to that song those lines stuck out and made me think of Sam. It hurts that he's gone. I miss him every day, some days it hurts more than others. Even having everything I need and most of what I desire materially, I still sometimes sit here sad and lost.... like I'm in the world for real...for the 1st time ever... I realize how cold the world can be, how lonely...how you can be surrounded by people and still sometimes feel all alone, how some people can handle the pain internally and some of us struggle with it like a drug addiction... we can't shake it even when we try, it may work for a few days but we end up back in the same fucked up state of mind.
I have tears in my eyes right now because I feel lost. i feel like I should be doing something..anything. I feel like I should be the detective on this case seeking out the scum who flipped my world upside down and changed my life as I knew it.
I read 1 of taotechuck's recent entries and felt like I could somewhat relate to what he was feeling, seemed like he had that lost feeling I've been feeling more lately. So how do I deal with this? I don't have any firm idea how, I guess 1 day at a time, go to work come home , do it all over again and hope the pain fades. When I sit back and see Sam's picture in my living room it makes me think:

Pain turns to anger to rage to memories of yesterday and back to pain
Physical pain has never hurt this bad
Shaking and crying to smiling , crying and laughing
These feelings change just like the seasons
There is no pill to cure this
No high to make it fade
My brother, my friend, why did you go away
You left em alone with no path
"Damn it Sam this isnt the time for a joke or game"
He can't hear me , at least not the words in my head
Maybe he's looking down reading my thoughts
Maybe he's watching over me, guarding me from harm
Whatever it may be doesn't matter, because I'm here...... without you
What do I do now

Maybe there is hope after all

2005-12-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

After pretty much keeping my calls to the detective handling my brothers case to a weekly rather than 3 times daily session{although sometimes not weekly}, I got a call and Larry called me at work to say the detective wanted to talk to me. Seems they are following up on a lead from a 2ND witness!!! Given Stacey's{Sam's girlfriend} state of disbelief, shock ... no wait ... scratch that... given her current state which seems to be not caring, not disclosing the truth and outright not doing a damn thing about anything, it may be new hope in catching this bastard. Only time will tell but it was reassuring to have the detective update me and assure me they are still working it and haven't forgotten. Just a sidebar, but if any of Sam's friends want the detectives name and #{and I wont give to just anyone, I have to be able to verify who you are somehow} just email me from my profile or leave a post and I'll get it to you a.s.a.p.

Does time heal all wounds?

2005-11-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't wrote in awhile, mostly because i've been busy, but when i wasn't i was thinking about some things. Like the advice people have given me on how to cope with Sam's death over the past few months. I have heard people say they can relate or understand how i feel. I have had people tell me that it hasn't really hit me yet and it won't until somewhere far off in the future when i least expect it. I have had some people say that time heals all wounds.

Well the first one: Unless someone has lost someone they loved, not in a romantic way, but has lost a sibling they were close with or a friend they grew up with then maybe they can understand. I think my situatiion is a bit different because of the fact that in my younger years, from probably 6 to 23, Sam and I didn't get to hang out much. We lived in seperate states. then when we did live in the same state, he was intohis thing and me mine, but when we did get together it was brief but i can even remember those short bonding moments. Then as I became an adult and had my son. Sam was locked up for some bad decision he made in his late teens and early 20's wich led him on a path less desired to prison for awhile. let me paint a picture for you{excuse me if I'm jumping but I have to put it down as it comes}

It's Summer of 2000, maybe Late June or July, and I'm about 4 months pregnant, give or take a week or 2, and Sam hadn't seen me since I was about 16 maybe 15. I ride with my father to Camp Hill, Pa to visit him in jail. He hasn't seen me in years and then he sees me grown up & with child. I bet he was like"damn my sister is actually a woman and she's a grown one now. Maybe not. but we talked about trivial things because , as he already knew, I didn't want to divulge too much in front of Dad, just wouldn't be comfortable talking in front of him the way we'd want to. One of the brightest moments in my memory was when my brother was in jail. That's not an ideal reality, but it's my reality.
Jump forward to Fall 2004. Me and Sam are both here in Baltimore, living seperate places with our significant others, leading normal lives. I have had his cell# since he got it, and mine had changed . So 1 day out of the blue I called. Then we hung out. Then we kept hanging out. Regularly. Watching videos, going to bars, going out to eat, sitting at his house while him and Larry played video games and i watched tv. We built a bond fast. I started to know his friends. We started to talk more and more, open up to each other, trust each other, actually become friends and sblings at the same time.
Because we had become so close over a short period of time, it seems so wrong now that he's gone. We had hung out before this year, like when he came home from jail... we went out to eat a couple times, he came to my house and hung out, but it wasn't a regular thing and we hadn't really gotten that bond yet. maybe we weren't ready then.
It also seems so wrong and twisted not because it was homicide, but how often can someone go down the wrong road of crime and such then turn around, get a job, a place of his own in his own name, a stable relationship, and friends and get closer with his family and helping not only them but his friends? He did a complete 180 you could say and then some asshole decides he deserved to get shot. He didn't take his money, jewelry, none of that. he took his life. it was personal. He hurt him physically for a few minutes, but he has hurt me for the rest of my days on this earth til we meet again. he has hurt my parents,brother, and his friends in the same way. All over something trivial . maybe an insult. Maybe Sam put him out of the bar before. maybe he even beat him up. I wish I could meet this guy so I could ask him " hey now that you've shot him and he's gone, did it change anything? You still had your ego hurt. And the sad part is , you also are going to lose your life because once your caught, there's no going home for you. Your life as you know it will no longer exist. So in actuality with one bullet you ended his life and yours"

Ok the second one" Maybe it hasn't really hit me yet , maybe it has, but I guess unless your psychic no one knows if the worst pain has passed.

And to end this post , the third one" "yes time does heal wounds. But some wounds now matter how long they've been healed will always leave a scar"

My new blog

2005-11-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

Ok just wanted to give the link to my new blog, which is about anything, everything, and everything in between. Some funny stuff will be there so check it out. Click on the link below to go there

Muarrhh!!!

Do black girls wear tool jackets? Part 3... The Saga continues

2005-11-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

Ok maybe i need to start a blog called "Black girl and her tool jacket". I am having way too many incidents with this jacket and people feeling the need to not accept what i wear. like tonight I go into the Save a Lot on Howard st to pick up some vegetables for dinner and a few other things. As I'm walking to the register the young guy who is cashiering comes out and says " I can take you over here". then when i get right by the register he says " How you doin' Ms Tool?"
I asked him " Are you talking about my jacket?" He didn't say anything but just started scanning my items. So i , maybe not so kindly ask him if he has a problem with my jacket. He says no, of course so, I ask "why the comment?"
He says " I dunno" I say to him "This was my brother's jacket and he passed away so I wear it. Is that acceptable to you , you tool!" He tries to laugh it off but I was not laughing just looking at him like he owed me money.
I picked up my items and said " You should watch what you say. This isn't the county and you might run across someone who beats the shit out of you for less around here, or worse. And don't think because I'm a female I wouldn't , but I have sense enough to know your young and think your invincible, but trust me, a bitch like me would whip your ass if you give me a good enough reason" i then smile and walk out. I'm sure he thought I was crazy, but I bet he won't make any other smart comments to me . I walked home wondering why people feel I have to conform to their standards. Why isn't being a decent human being enough for some people. If you have the answer let us all know please. Until that day I will probably be writing a Part 4-100. This feels like R. Kelly's trapped in the closet saga... just when you think it's done , another chapter pops up! Like R.Kelly sings in Chapter 3 "Now not another 1 of you sons of bitches say a word , cuz all this bullshit I'm going through is absurd" I can relate that line to too many situations I've had not only with this jacket, but life in general. I'm sure Sam's watching saying " My sister is a trip" but that's what makes me me. People i know say I can make them laugh at times when they are feeling down and make them temporarily forget about their worries.
Well I'm going to bed for the night. Well maybe tomorrow I can start a new chapter..."Murder free day in Baltimore", but unfortunately, I'm not holding my breath.

Do black girls wear tool jackets? Pt 2

2005-11-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today started out as a day where I was thinking at first " Someone up there{heaven , great beyond, whatever term you care to use} is showing me they are watching over me to moments where I was considering taking a not so noble route and puching someone for their stupidity. Luckily I refrained and choose the verbal attack, which I have to admit, when you make someone feel bad with words or show them how rude or ignorant they were and they understand, is far more gratifying.
Ok it went like this: I was getting ready to leave for work , complaining about how the tool jacket never zips up. So i got to my bus stop and it was a bit chilly so i was playing with the zipper when ...BAM.. it zipped. Which , at first,made me think " what the hell had I been doing wrong for the past month" then I took a more laid back happy approach and said inside my head " Ha Ha Sam drive me crazy with your jacket zipper for a month then all of a sudden you help me zip it. You are still a dumbass {smiles}."
So that started my day rather nicely. Started I said. Around 1pm I decided I went outside on my lunchbreak for a cigarette and decided to walk around{ I work in Hunt Valley Town Center}. All was well until I sat down. 2 young ladies walked by and , I have to mention to make my point, were both black, like myself. The one girl knew me somewhat from the bus, but the other seemed to take an instant disliking to me as she said after her friend said hi " What the hell is a tool?" I thought to myself for a second and said " A tool is a utensil you use, could be a hammer,axe,pencil to write..... but in this case it's a band....why do you ask?" "You gotta be a "tool" wearing a jacket that says tool" "Why is tjat? Do you know me or why I wear it?" "It doesn't matter" " Well to me it does, I wear it because my brother who passed away was the owner" " Was he white?" " Why would he have to be white?" "Cuz that's some ol white boy shit" This is when I was just about done and ready to haul off and burn her with my cigarette right in her forehead. So I said " Lok that's why. you dont like it ... too fucking bad but what if I asked you why you have on 4 inch stilettos and you work in walmart? would it be because I was thinking you were a hoochie or because you were black? I wouldn't do that and if I did you'd go off and wanna fight for someone making a disrespectful comment like that. But listen, I'm going to be wearing this jacket a lot soif you don't like it, I'll sit my soda down and we can fight until 1 of us is in no shape to return to work. So what's good ma?" Then I put down my cup and she said to her friend " Let's go"
I had to talk to her in decent terms then show her I wasn't exactly a Cockeysville or Hunt Valley native . Later , walking to the bus stop to go home, I saw them again and I just prepared to wither fight or argue all the way home. But something else happened. The girl came over and said " My bad for earlier. i was in a bad mood. Sorry about your peoples. My cousin got shot to death a few years ago and I know how it is. If I had any of his clothing I'd wear it too"
I accepted the apology and then there was an awkward silence. There wasn't really anything to say. She saw she was being a jerk and I showed her with words how ignorant she was being. So I rode home wondering what made her decide to apologize. Didn't really matter because I was going to still wear the tool jacket. I will always wear it until 1 of 2 things happens:

1: It becomes unwearable to the point where it could cause me to freeze to death
2: Sam comes back to life

It's not fairy-tale land so it will have to fall apart 1st. Maybe before it falls apart these people who think my jacket is unacceptable will realize clothes are a means to an end: they are meant to cover your body and sometimes they express your personality or feelings, when funds and availability permit. For me the tool jacket is 2 fold. It provides me a jacket and it shows people that know me that I still think of Sam. Whenever I wear it in the neighborhood, I get nice comments like" I'm feeling that jacket" or " Yeah I like to see you wearing Sam's jacket"

Well at least the one who matters is watching me from above, or beside, or below, wherever your soul goes when you pass and is saying " Yeah that's my little Sis". That's all that matters to me.

Some more disturbing information

2005-10-30T12:23:00.000-08:00

I was reading Baltimore Crime, so i started doing google searchs on crime and homicide. i found myself reading an editorial on the death penalty, and some other more interesting articles. one was the link for Remington from the BCPD's website, which described Remington as

Remington is a very diverse and tight-knit community. Many of the residents were born and raised here; some moved out only to return. There is a strong sense of "community" and people are proud of where they live. We have over 90 businesses and are within walking distance of the Baltimore Museum of Art. Within the various blocks of our community we have a mixture of economic class structures. Some of the blocks have large yards, tree-lined streets and large porches, whereas other streets have no yards, no porches, and are small two-story rowhomes where stoop sitting is the tradition. In order to get relief from the heat in the summer, people sit on their front steps, better known as the "stoop," to socialize and enjoy the breezes of the great outdoors.

Let me decipher it for you through the B.S: "
"There is a strong sense of community..." = Don't talk to the police about crime , it's against the neighborhood code
"where stoop sitting is the tradition" = where gossiping about the neighborhoods misgivings and crime is commonplace, instead of actually doing something about it
"to socialize and enjoy the breezes of the great outdoors = same as above

obviously this has to be a tourist site because anyone who has ever spent any time here knows it is nothing like this description above.

Then i found this site, i'll just post a link to it because it shows the 2004 crime statistics for baltimore and how they compare to the national averages... at least we aren't being raped above the national average... maybe because so many of us are being killed and assaulted above the national average there's no time to rape as well.

http://baltimore.areaconnect.com/crime1.htm

A different kind of Saturday: 10/29/05

2005-10-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today was the day we did the digging for the memorial site . Myself, Larry, Emily{from Greater Homewood Org.}, Chuck{ who writes the taotechuck blog}, and Larry's cousin Ty came out to dig. At first I though today would be a quiet day, but the later it got . the more unneccesary crap I had to deal with.
First, a man with a shopping cart , who felt like saying it wasn't worth us cleaning up the corner, decided he'd spend 30 minutes explaining why he should have "whispered" the comment instead of not saying it at all. Then he became the 100th member of the " I knew Sam club". I know he didn't mean any real harm, he seemed like he just needed someone to acknowledge him and actually hear him.
Then, the wonderful leader of our neighborhood association, decided she'd harass us about our trash bags, guess she thought we weren't going to move them{ which she said} , then decided she would report someone on Miles ave for illegal dumping, instead of just picking up the damn bags and cleaning it up. She seems to be in it for recognition. Hmmm..... maybe I better hurry up on the neighborhood newsletter article so that she can't claim our hard work. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe she also just feels the need to be acknowledged like Mr. Shopping cart.
later this evening, I had to stand in between a disagreement between 2 friends, then had a girl claim I said she was withholding info on Sam's case. After trying to set her straight{ all the while thinking how I could fight her and not go to jail... she definetely wanted acknowledgement} and telling her I cannot control how people view her because of who she knows, she stomped around the bar for a few minutes pouting waiting on someone to ask her what was wrong, I guess. She never did get the recognition she seemed to be seeking.
Amidst that and a few other minor differences with people, or friends differences with people, I finally came home and sat here thinking " Why must people make mountains out of molehills? Why do people seek recognition and acknowledgement by people who probably care the least about them so fervently? Why do people try to turn things into their 1 person show "Me, Me,Me"?"
I don't have the answers. as at times I have found myself seeking recognition and acceptance from people I knew didn't care or have my best interests at heart. But I'm older now and it seems that from my mistakes I've learned that it doesn't mean crap what people think or feel about you, what matters is that when you rest your head at night you feel you've done the right thing and can consciously say you lived for yourself{and kids} and not other's approval.
It took me some time, but not as long as a lot of people, to learn that i can be at peace only if I do what I feel is right, stand behind my convictions, and , sometimes bluntly{it's hereditary} ,tell people how or what I think.
Today wasn't a normal saturday for me, but it wasn't bad at all in retrospect, because I have learned that sometimes all people want is to be heard, however they can be heard. i guess I do still strive for that with this blog, the only thing is even if no one is listening{or reading}, I still have got out my thoughts, and It feels just as good.

A personal editorial

2005-10-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about this blog, and If i can help other people going through this same struggle. I want everyone out there to know that I have been close to many homicides before, but never 1 that touched me as much as my brother's. My fiancee has a cousin who was shot about 3 days after my brother, and although he is still breathing, he is brain dead, which is , to me , the same as being dead. It has to be: you can no longer think or do anything for yourself, you can't communicate by speaking or writing or even signing, and you are basically a human vegetable. I can't imagine how my fiancee's cousin's parents feel , I imagine they are keeping him on life support in hopes of a miracle, which do happen sometimes, but he's been braindead since Mid June and it's now almost November.
Also , for those of you that don't know, I have been working with a nice woman named Mrs. Ellickson-Brown in regards to a memorial site at the corner where my brother was shot. We are doing digging , laying fertilizer and planting spring bulbs to bloom in the spring in order to make the corner a nicer looking place. but then a few days ago, after thinking about how many people in this city are going through some of the same pain, if not more than I am, I emailed Mrs. ellickson-Brown and asked her if we could make it a memorial to homicide victims in general and not just Sam, asking if maybe we could put up some sort of plaque to mark this urban garden as their small place of remembrance, to show that all of us have not forgotten, that although we may not know each other, and may never knlow each other, that other people can sympathize and feel their pain. She said she thought it was a good idea.
Which, although a bit off topic, made me think about friends, mainly Sam's. Over the last few months I have had 100's of testimonials about how much he meant to them and how they were one of his best friends, and if we need anything just ask. Now I have asked almost all of his so called friends about helping "dig" and everyone has an excuse or blow off as to why they can't. I can only count 3 who have said they would help and out of them I know 2 of them probably would. "that's what friends are for" has be

Do black girls wear tool jackets?

2005-10-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

O.k .... I wear Sam's tool jacket most of the time and sometimes people look at me strange. O.k It's not exactly the typical attire of a 25yr old black girl, but can't I wear what I want? Sometimes riding the bus to work people will stare at my coat then look at me. I laugh inside and wait for the day someone asks " What is tool" or "why do you have on a "tool" jacket?" To that i would say " It was my brother's coat, he's passed away now and I wear it because I can... but I will gladly take it off If you can bring him back...shit I'll give you this jacket and anything else you could ask for!" I guess maybe the mean look I wear daily keeps people from asking , or maybe they're thinking "Damn a black girl with a tool jacket? I better not fuck with her!"

10/23/05: Sunday,Sunday,Sunday

2005-10-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

I usually find myself dreading the monday workday on sunday sometime around sundown. Guess it could be worse, i could have no job at all. Now back to my usual on this page which is Sam , but I'm going to focus on the nieghborhood today more than Sam.
How is it so many things go on around here{Remington} such as shootings{not many}, drug deals{ 100's of times daily}, and a host of other crimes yet 99% of the time no one knows or sees anything?
Ok I'e heard of people being scared of the drug dealers, or scared period .... but it doesn't take rocket science or much common sense to figure out that if you don't speak up then you will have to continue to live among the same people you are so scared of that you won't tell on them....think that's going to make you safer?
It's called the wall of silence... people witness a criminal act and don't talk to anyone{usually the police} about it for fear or retaliation. It's stupid because these are the same people that will sit on their front and say " Damn, I'm sorry about your brother. Did they find out who did it?" Some people who say this may actually not know, but there are some who ask me this and live within several doors of where he was shot. It makes me want to say to them " Yes they did and they think you snitched on during your daily "stoop gossip" session so you might want to go inside now"
It's sickening because some of these people claim to care and will come out and sweep their front and wash their steps but wont stop the 14yr old in the back alley from selling dope{ or at least calling the cops} , they wont't report the neighbor who commits a crime in broad daylight but they sure will tell the whole block about it.
I'll talk more about this later but it makes me think how can you gossip about tragedy but not do a damn thing to try and change it?

10/22/05

2005-10-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever worked with someone who was just a downright idiot? Well I seem to all the time. We have a lady at work who gets on everyone nerves, and I mean everyone. People say beauty is skin deep...well her skin must be deeped than the pacific ocean because she is mean and not what most would call "attractive".
Anyhow the detective did call me back and now we're playing phone tag. I will try Monday since he's off weekends. I wonder if he will ever catch this bastard or will my brother become another hopeless homicide victim who didn't receive justice. Well besides that today was ok except for the rain and Ms. Iamuglyinsideandout at work. Right now, Larry and I are lounging, he's talking on Xbox live and I'm on the computer. We are talking about computer scams, and especially the emails where someone says they are entitled to so many millions and all you have to do is withdraw the money for them and get 20%. Right , like I would be so lucky as to make 2 mil for just signing some papers...whatever!!!
I'm gonna sign off now just having some laughs ...hope you all are too.

10/19/05

2005-10-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

It's about 1am almost, and I want to say thank you to my friends and Mom{love U} who wrote comments.

Ok soooo... what to say today? I'm feeling a little down right now, I just left the Rendezvous and got a piece of paper{ I won't disclose who gave it to me} with the make, color and accessory deatils of the car of the person who is supposed to have murdered Sam.
I have to be hinest: For the 1st 2 or 3 months after this up until about September I was calling Det. Cherry and Det. Berger EVERY DAY. I was updating them with any little nuance I could find or think of or had been told. But I noticed 1 day that they are not as get up and go about Sam as I am. Of course they deal with many murders, some much more horrifying and some not, but shouldn't they still have that compassion in their heart that most of us have?
So Larry and I walked around the corner and I said to myself" Liz, maybe this is a sign from Sam. Maybe I need to renew my effort with this investigation , maybe this "tip" however accurate or inaccurate it may be is him saying please don't give up on this. Sam was never one to bitch about something unless it bothered him a lot, but I am the opposite... sometimes I make my opinion known and sometimes I hurt people when I do, which I 98% of the time don't mean to do, but I am a straight to the point type of girl 99% of the time, rarely do I bite my tongue.
So thinking I walked in the house and called but of course Cherry and Berger were gone for the night so I left a message. Will he call back? I don't know but I think this is a sign that I shouldn't give up on this. We deserve justice for Sam. My mother, my father, myself , his brother and his friends deserve some closure on this, even though it might not be the way we want.
I remember 1 night after this happened sitting around with a few of Sam's friend's at Spoon's old apartment talking about all the horrible things we wanted to do to this bastard if we found out who it was. Now , thinking back, I know it wouldn't make me feel better. What will make me feel better is seeing this bastard in court getting life or the death penalty and myself being able to give a victim's impact statement at his trial, which if I can help it, would get him locked in a cell with a picture of what he did posted all over the cell along with pictures of his family saying" you did this , you took this man away from his family, now we have taken you from yours and you have to spend the rest of your miserable life in this cell and look at these pictures and remember that.
I have so many memories of Sam, yet sometimes they seem too few. We started hanging out not long ago. maybe 1 1/2 years, and I am glad for that time, but wish it hadn't taken so long for us to become close. I sometimes wear Sam's jacket or 1 of his t-shirts just to get some sort of feeling of him that I can hold on to, but it isn't ever what I want, which is him hear playing Xbox with Larry, sitting around talking and laughing in his living room.
What else is bad is that I'm not the only sister who has lost her brother in Baltimore or anywhere, my parents aren;t the only parents who have lost a child. So many people are murdered daily, no goodbyes, no warning, just snatched from us in an instant. I was reading TaoteChuck's blog and looked at all the names of people murdered in Baltimore, and said" How many families are feeling this same pain and anger?" Anyone feels cheated when someone close to them dies, but I believe when someone dies from illness or natural causes, you have a certain sense of peace that I will never have because my brother and so many other's didn't plan their demise the way it went down. So many people have died for bullshit, too many and because of some sick stupid heartless bastard my brother is gone.Forever.
Well I am not going to sit idly by and wait for the detective to call. I will call him until I get answers, until they put more effort into this case, and I will do what I can to help anyone in a similar or same predicament. So on that note I'll end but let anyone know if they want info on reporting tips for homicides in Baltimore, I have numbers they can utilize anonymously, also if anyone else out there just wants an ear that feels there pain regarding loss of a loved one. I'm more than glad to listen and offer any advice that I can.

Just because I feel like I'm in the Right

2005-10-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

Ok why would someone post something online about my brother, then when confronted on it, they say they "aren't in a position to say what happened nor make conjecture" then delete that whole day from their blog, which I found again on a link on someone else's blog. You can read it below but my point is" Don't open your mouth to put yourself in the center of a tragedy with "conjecture" unless you know for sure then don't be a wimp and back down when confronted, stand up and stand your ground or apologize like a grown woman/man. Ok here it is

June 02, 2005
Homicide
Some cowardly bastard sat in a car and shot my bartender Sammy to death on his walk home from his other job at 3 this morning. Some cowardly bastard didn't care that Sammy was walking with his girlfriend Stacy and left Sammy to die in her arms on the street*. His co-workers from the other bar came in to Molly's to tell me this afternoon so that I wouldn't call up wondering why he didn't show up for his shift tommorrow, and we wouldn't find out from the newspaper or the television. Excuse me. Need tissues.
*I was misinformed. Please click on the comment below. Although some additional information has trickled in, I really am not in a position to either say what happened nor make conjectures. All I know is that Sam was a good guy and a bartender extraordinaire.

Also here are the comments I left, the last of which I guess made "Molly" delte this day's post

My brother Sam did not die in his girlfriends arms and I would just like to know who the hell concocted that version of the story. I don't mind sharing some info with people but i get upset when i see false things bad enough i have to hear them everyday. if at all possible could this blog be edited to say he died at johns hopkins hospital, where he actually died. His girlfriend is ok, but whoever told Molly he died in Stacey's arms is obviously either misinformed or just wanted to put her more in the center of pity. What I, my family and his girlfriend need is a break from all the " Sam was my best friend crap" or the " Sam was my closest friend"... totally impossible for all these people to be his closest and/or best friend. If anyone really cares about him email me larryandliz122@msn.com.... I have got in contact with someone from greater homewood org. that is going to provide supplies so a memorial can be put up on the corner where he was shot. We'd like someone to volunteer artist services, especially if they can spraypaint or paint faces, I'd like his face up there... or just to help plant flowers etc. Thanks to all who have offered their condolences

Posted by: Sam's Sister {Liz} September 08, 2005
Thank you for updating but if you are "not in the position to say what happened or make conjectures" the best thing you could have done was to just mention his untimely demise and offer no details which I would bet my pay for the month on you did not try to confirm with any of his family, maybe Stacey, but seriously, I get upset because this sort of misinfo is what causes upset, pain and confusion. I have heard your version plus 100 others, but no one else has went online to post rumor, and it hurts because my brother didn't die in ANYONE's arms, he died in a hospital, alone, because we arrived exactly 9 minutes too late. May my brother rest in peace and may his killer be caught. And for the people who don't like my opinion or what I have to say, tough because no one will love or care for him more than his family, 90% of the people who knew him didn't REALLY know him. And everyone in this community feels it their duty to speculate on his demise, what they should do is come together on something productive and maybe in his memory, as i see no one responded to volunteers for a memorial. What a miserable place baltimore is, been thinking this for awhile, but this summer has just confirmed it.
Posted by: Sam's sister September 11, 2005

And let me be the first to say I was wrong about 1 thing: Some other's did post hearsay and rumor, but of the several blogs I've seen mentioning Sam , almost all got their info from Molly's site. Furthermore, the other's did say I heard not in a matter of fact type way but in a way as if they were trying to confirm what they heard not make it fact . Enough for me tonight I'm tired but I'll try to make a happy post tomorrow. Funny thing about the internet you can delte something but does it ever truly go away?

Sunday 10/16/05

2005-10-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

For some of you reading this that don't know me, I just want you to know that I do care when injustice is done to anyone, but of course when it hits me or someone close to me , I feel it even more. I just want to include links to 2 letters I have written to the city paper. 1 regarding a man named Dexter Hill who was shot in the back at close range bythe police, and 1 regarding my brother. and I do wish that more people in Baltimore cared about these homicides that happen here as regularly as you get up in the morning and it's a shame. in my letter about Mr. Hill I wrote I thanked god it wasn't my family, but it is now, and I still can't imagine how they feel, because it's different for everyone. I'd really like to start some sort of outreach or city/community initiative to at least get the people who do care organized and try to make a difference, but the people in Baltimore seem more concerned with self and seem to be numb to the ways of this city. I don't know what my next step should be, but 1 will be made in due time, by myself or with support.

Edit: the links i put up go to the citypaper but are then rerouted to some vulgar shit {thanks for the heads up Eshe} so I removed them but you can search for Baltimore City Paperand look up my letters. I will get the issue dates and post them here. I think it may be blogger because even the link to the citypaper is bugged out}

Friday: 10/14/05

2005-10-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

O.k, obviously some of us think this is aadvertising page... It's not and I will delete every last referral link or promotion you put down so don't waste your time. Now on to today.
Today went back to work and my manager kept saying how glad she was to see me. Maybe it's because she likes me , but probably because I do my work the way it's supposed to be done, not half assed and sloppy. Well anyhow , next weekend is supposed to be when we dig up the ground by where Sam was shot and get it ready for plants so the memorial can happen in the Spring. I hate yardwork, but I will do it this time, and see how many of Sam's so called "friends" show -up. I will tell everyone this weekend, but I'm not counting on a lot.

One thing I think about a lot is if other people who have lost loved ones by crime or otherwise feel like I do. It's been 4 months and some weeks but I still get moments when I see someone that looks like Sam or someone says something and it just makes me wanna cry and scream. I guess that's normal. Like some girl in the Rendezvous the other night walks in telling her friend" Yeah the bartender here, Sam, he got his face shot off and died on top of Stacey{his girlfriend}." I immediately without thinking asked her if she was talking about Sam and informed her she was wrong. She says to me" He was 1 of my best friends but its messed up for Stacey." I started to choke her and say " Do you realize how bad it must be for his parents , me his sister or his brother? How about the fact that people like you walk around passing rumors and claiming to be a "best friend" when I have never seen you hang out with or at my brother's house in the past year before his passing. But I turned away and said to myself "Liz don't smack this girl she knows no better"
Overreacted? Hmmm. maybe but I take people rumor monging about Sam seriously and I would gladly smack , punch or stomp anyone who does. Well got to work tomorrow too so maybe I'll get 8 hrs tonight. At least my phone's back on lol

Rainy Day: 10/13/05

2005-10-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woke up on a rainy day and not wanted to do anything but lay there content? Exactly how I felt today, but tomorrow is supposed to be another rainy day and I have to work yuck. Anyways today was one of those days where I just sat around and thought about things and it just seemed to make me madder. Maybe when something is bothering you, the best thing to do is not think about it as much as possible. But on a funny note, woke up with Smoke's {my cat} head under mine asleep. Would have made a nice picture.